This article and the video associated with it address how, when using the IFS model, to work with target parts and concerned parts. Practitioners and laypersons can learn to improve their practice.

Who cares about self care? In this article, I walk the reader through an exercise I facilitated in one of my IFS coaching groups. Reframe how you view self care.

Congratulations! You recognize that it’s time to ask for help. But what kind of help do you need and where do you find it?

This video explores my journey from being unconsciously driven to making conscious choices, and my quest for an authentic self-recovery through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS). Learn how embracing choice can transform your life and lead you to thrive.

Thanks to the support I received over the years from countless 12-step members from my first AA sponsor Randy E. to my last one, Bryan L., I recognized my need to stop drinking, start getting honest with myself, begin to think of others, clean up my past, and develop a relationship with a Higher Power. I will be forever grateful for the love and support of the AA fellowship which made it possible for me to remain sober since November 15, 1982.

I don’t feel complete until I feel resolved, finished, reconnected, clear, satisfied, or free. I feel complete when my questions are answered, when I feel fully reassured, or when I am no longer upset. I can also feel complete when I recognize that the push for completion requires more energy and effort than I am willing to exert. I can feel complete once I’ve decided I’ve done as much as I am willing to do to feel resolved.

For those of us who have experienced 12-step recovery in AA, the word recovery refers to recovery from alcoholism. For me, the word refers to the recovery of the authentic Self. I believe that what there is to recover from are challenging and sometimes traumatic experiences we aren’t yet finished with.

Adaptive strategies helped us survive earlier challenges but are now maladaptive when what we want is true connection in our relationships. What maladaptive strategies create disconnection instead?

I work with a lot of people in recovery. When they first become clients, they see themselves as recovering from bad habits and addictions. Identifying as "in recovery," they have been trained to focus on abstinence or moderation in their addictive processes. But this is putting the cart before the horse. What we are recovering from is chronic disconnection, often caused by trauma. And what we are recovering is the true, authentic, Self.

Through a process of honest examination, when a complaint and its hidden payoffs are exposed, we can see what we were previously blind to. What has been unconscious becomes conscious. But is this enough to end the suffering that produces the complaint?

Shortly after my wife and I moved in together, we hadn’t learned yet how to navigate our small kitchen without getting in each other's way. For example, I would grab something from the refrigerator and turn toward the counter but have to stop my momentum to avoid running into her.

Or the reverse would happen and I would get in her way. I felt an inner irritation when this happened and blamed it on the size of the kitchen, referring to it as our ‘one-butt kitchen.’

The healing and recovery story of Bill Tierney.

About 25 years ago, I stepped away from the living of my life far enough to make a profound observation. I saw that my life consisted of a series of reactions to the circumstances in my life. Further, I realized that I was reacting to my interpretations of those circumstances. I perceived almost everything as a potential threat, a criticism, a slight, or evidence that I wasn’t safe, appreciated or liked. I reacted by withdrawing from life and playing it safe.

In a recent coaching session, one of my clients discovered a little girl inside who often found herself suffering through hours of church sermons while daydreaming about playing outside in the sun or rain.

On a whim, I asked her to do some homework and she agreed without knowing what it would be.

“What if,” I asked, “you could write your own sermon? What would you have to say?”

What if letting go of hurt and resentment was a process similar to letting go of an old pair of shoes? Admittedly, it’s not so simple. But some of the same principles can be applied.

In the Internal Family Systems model, we refer to our subpersonalities as “parts.” There are two categories of parts: Exiles and Protectors. Exiled parts are hidden away and are managed and protected by Protector parts. There are two kinds of Protectors: Managers and Firefighters.

My “Not Your Typical Leadership Coaching” podcast host Martin Kettelhut and I meet each week to record our conversations about a variety of topics related to life coaching and leadership. When we first decided to do a podcast together, we made a long list of topics we could discuss. But what usually informs the focus for each episode are the conversations we are having that week with our coaching clients.

Constellations are teams of parts that are organized around a shame-based belief formed at some time in the unresolved past. Until that belief is seen as untrue, the pain that the belief causes will continue. Protectors will continue to protect, and exiled parts will continue to be exiled. In this video, I use a whiteboard and Post-it notes to illustrate an example of a constellation of parts.

A common and destructive core belief is that circumstances and other people are responsible for how we feel. This same belief when applied in reverse makes us responsible for how others feel. We know a belief isn’t true when it causes us to suffer. In this short video, I talk about how this belief is at the core of codependent relationships and what to do to change the belief.

As a student, teacher, and coach, I study the influence of the unconscious. Using various models and methods including the Internal Family Systems model, I have learned how to use my conscious brain to explore the influence of parts of myself that usually operate undetected in my unconscious.