Fear and IFS
Fear is a normal part of being human. It’s not bad or wrong—it’s actually trying to help us. But when we don’t know how to work with it, fear can take over and start running the show.
It can build up in our system, especially when we don’t have access to the resources inside us that know how to respond. That’s when fear turns into anxiety. And pretty soon, it’s hard to think clearly or know what to do.
This article speaks to both the person feeling fear and the person supporting someone who's afraid. In uncertain, intense times, fear and anxiety can be overwhelming.
For more context, check out these posts:
Stuck in Parts Work? 5 Essential Questions to Help You Move Forward
FEAR ISN’T THE PROBLEM
Fear is useful. It gets our attention. But it becomes a problem when we get so caught up in it that we become it. That’s when fear morphs into anxiety, overreaction, or complete shutdown.
In IFS, that’s what happens when we blend with a part. We lose access to our Self-energy—the calm, clear inner presence that can lead.
SOMETIMES FEAR POINTS TO SOMETHING DEEPER
Sometimes, fear hits us harder than the situation really calls for. That’s usually a clue that something deeper is going on.
When something about a current situation activates a scared part, the intensity of the fear might not match what’s happening right now. That’s often because that part is carrying fear from the past, fear that was never fully witnessed or resolved. The parts carrying this fear are called “exiles “ in the IFS model.
We may not even realize what triggered us—we just feel and react.
Then, other parts, “protectors” jump in to put out the flames of fear. They may try to control the situation, avoid it, or shut it down. These responses are often automatic and well-practiced, but they block our access to Self-energy.
Internally, this might feel like anxiety, panic, or numbness. Externally, it might show up as defensiveness, withdrawal, or anger. And these reactions can stir the parts of others, too.
The good news: if even one person pauses and unblends from the scared and protectove parts, the whole interaction can shift.
AN EXAMPLE
Curtis gets an email from his boss that says, “Can we talk about a few things later today?” The message is short and vague. Curtis immediately feels a tightness in his chest and a sinking feeling in his stomach.
A scared part of him is activated—a part that remembers what it felt like to be judged or punished without warning. Before he even realizes it, a protector jumps in and fires off a defensive reply.
Curtis doesn’t yet recognize what happened inside. But his system is responding like it’s in danger—even if this situation isn’t dangerous.
If Curtis had paused, he might’ve noticed: “A part of me is scared and expecting this to go badly.” That awareness could have created space to respond instead of react.
WHAT FEAR CAN TEACH US
Fear isn’t something to fight—it’s something to get curious about.
Every fear has a story. It might reveal a part that needs support, a wound that’s still raw, or a value that matters deeply to us. When we pause and check in with our parts, we begin to listen instead of react. We move toward Self-energy, which helps us respond with clarity and compassion.
The more we practice this, the more resilient we become—and the more we help others around us do the same.
