Adaptive strategies helped us survive earlier challenges but are now maladaptive when what we want is true connection in our relationships. What maladaptive strategies create disconnection instead?

Shortly after my wife and I moved in together, we hadn’t learned yet how to navigate our small kitchen without getting in each other's way. For example, I would grab something from the refrigerator and turn toward the counter but have to stop my momentum to avoid running into her.

Or the reverse would happen and I would get in her way. I felt an inner irritation when this happened and blamed it on the size of the kitchen, referring to it as our ‘one-butt kitchen.’

In the Internal Family Systems model, we refer to our subpersonalities as “parts.” There are two categories of parts: Exiles and Protectors. Exiled parts are hidden away and are managed and protected by Protector parts. There are two kinds of Protectors: Managers and Firefighters.

Constellations are teams of parts that are organized around a shame-based belief formed at some time in the unresolved past. Until that belief is seen as untrue, the pain that the belief causes will continue. Protectors will continue to protect, and exiled parts will continue to be exiled. In this video, I use a whiteboard and Post-it notes to illustrate an example of a constellation of parts.

What stands in the way of finding your true self, your true purpose, and your true path?

Michael Singer surrenders by relaxing and releasing. This article describes how to use the IFS model to surrender.

Recognizing and acknowledging codependent tendencies is the first step in finding our way back to authentic connection and healthy interdependence.

The Nice Guy Syndrome starts in childhood as we observe the relationships of adults around us. It’s a maladaptive set of charactaristics and traits employed often by men who are trying not to be like their abusive fathers.