Healthy Communication

I got a call from a buddy who said, “You want to go golfing Saturday afternoon?” And I felt this fear inside.

Yes. Of course, I want to go golfing. I love golfing. But I'm married now, and we have a little girl together, and—God damn it—this is too hard. I just want to go golfing. I wish I was still single again. But... I'm married.

So, all right. I go to my wife and say, “Hey, is it okay if I go golfing Saturday afternoon?” And I'm feeling like that, you know, five-year-old little kid who's just hoping Mom says yes. That’s how I feel.

And my wife says to me, “What are you, five years old? You don’t have to ask my permission to go golfing.”

I say, “Oh great. Okay. Good. Awesome. I’m going to go golfing on Saturday.”

And she says, “What? You’re gonna go golfing Saturday?”

I say, “I’m confused. What am I supposed to do here?”

She says, “Be an adult.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Don’t ask my permission. And don’t just assume that I’m gonna be happy to take all the responsibility that you normally would be taking if you stayed home. Ask me how I would be impacted if you went golfing.”

Oh. Thank you. Thanks for telling me how to do it.

So now, I’m scared. Am I going to say this wrong? I try to just basically mimic her words.

“How would you be impacted if I went golfing on Saturday?”

And she says, “Well, let’s start with four hours, five hours minimum. And it’s all on me.”

And she just—she gets pissed. I mean, she really uses this as an opportunity to get really pissed off at me. And I’m finally, you know, in the middle of maybe the third or fourth bullet point, and she’s still just getting herself worked up about all the impacts it’s going to have on her.

I say, “Listen. I’m just going to stay home.”

Okay. All right.

So, the lesson I got out of that is:

Number one: Don’t ever negotiate with terrorists.

Number two: In a healthy relationship, that’s a fair ask—

"Hey, I’d like to go golfing on Saturday, but I want to know how you’d be impacted by that."

"Let’s see if we can work that out."

Now, that is dramatically different. But it can only happen in a healthy, safe relationship. And healthy and safe doesn’t mean one terrorist and one people pleaser. It means two adults having a reasonable conversation without bringing atomic bombs into it.