IFS and Surrender
Michael Singer
Author Michael Singer states in various ways throughout all his books and talks, that he relaxes and releases any tension and attachment to having things go in a way that is counter to the way things simply go.
In his book, The Surrender Experiment, some of his followers decided to build houses on his land. Another time, someone moved into his house while he was gone. The IRS raided his software business and took away boxes of confidential information, accusing him of breaking the law.
During each of these experiences, he noticed an internal argument with what had happened. And each time, he “relaxed and released” his attachment to his own preferences.
In his books, he describes a process of surrender which seems to include:
o An Intention to Surrender to reality
o Awareness of his Personal Preference marked by involuntary thoughts, emotions, and spontaneous physical reactions
o Awareness and Acceptance of what is so
o Surrender facilitated by Relaxing and Releasing his personal preference
o Noticing what what he is called to do (if anything)
Why would anyone want to surrender?
Why would anyone want to release their personal preferences? Why would anyone want to surrender to reality?
Years before reading Singer’s books, I was faced with these very questions. Life had become so uncomfortable for me that I knew I had to change. I didn’t trust myself to make good decisions or to tolerate discomfort. I lived in a high state of shame, anxiety, and exhaustion.
Life’s circumstances had pushed me beyond my capacity to manage my internal chaos. I was afraid that if something didn’t change I’d live out my life repeating the same mistakes and enduring the same consequences I’d spent my entire life surviving.
Desperate for something that might help, I found myself in a Byron Katie event (www.TheWork.com) with a fellow sufferer. This is when, for the first time I heard her say, “Any time I believe a thought that argues with reality I suffer. But only 100% of the time.”
I was suffering. Byron Katie suggested that I was suffering because I had beliefs that argued with reality. That day I embraced a process she demonstrated and soon I realized that my own beliefs, opinions, and preferences were at the root of my suffering.
What a relief to realize that regardless of circumstances, my freedom was within my grasp! I realized that by giving up my ideas of the way things needed to be, I suffered less. In fact, I began to have moments of happiness and joy.
Singer was inspired to do an experiment – what would happen if he released personal preferences and began to say yes to whatever unfolded in his life? Beyond increased happiness and contentment, his life circumstances improved more than he could have imagined.
Simply stated, attachment to personal preferences brings about suffering. Years after being introduced to Byron Katie, I was introduced to the Internal Family Systems model and to the parts of me that hold my preferences.
Now, let’s duplicate Singer’s relax-and-release process using the IFS model.
Do you have an intention to surrender your preferences? To pause when you notice inner-tension? To relax and release?
1. Write out a statement of that intention.
For example, “When I experience inner tension, I will pause and become curious about it. I will then relax and release my preference for things to be different and to go differently than they are. I will do this authentically, acknowledging and accepting the entire experience both externally and internally. I will not use this to bypass what is real for me.”
2. When your parts become activated, pause, and look inside.
a. What are your thoughts?
b. What emotions are you experiencing?
c. What is happening physically?
d. What is happening energetically?
e. What impulses do you notice?
3. Acknowledge the parts that have become activated and remind them of your intention to surrender. Are they able to relax?
a. If not ask, “What preference is colliding with reality?
b. Spend time with the part(s) that has that preference. Understand them and their concerns until they feel understood. If they are still not able to relax, spend more time with them until they can.
4. When all parts are able to relax, release your preference and accept reality as it is.
For example: I wanted them to recognize and appreciate my positive intentions but instead, they became agitated with me. I now accept this reality as distinct and separate from my preference which I now release.
5. Notice, from this surrendered state, what you are now called to do (if anything).
For more about Michael Singer, I recommend reading his books which include:
To learn more about Byron Katie, go to https://thework.com/
To learn more about what is IFS, go to https://ifs-institute.com/
