When Nice is an Act

Photo by Henri Mathieu-Saint-Laurent

Regardless of the relationship, whether marriage, professional, family, or friendship, when nice is an act, it feels much different than when nice is authentic. And because the act feels different than the real thing to everyone involved, the effects go far beyond the desired outcome of the actor.

Acting nice can hide an agenda hidden in a relationship to gain a desired outcome. Ironically, acting nice, while usually not consciously malicious, is corrosive to true connection which is needed for healthy relational interdependence.

Act One

Acting nice to get what you want feels almost natural because its roots usually reach back into early childhood. As children, we were dependent. The offspring of many animal and insect species can walk and run within hours of birth. Their survival depends upon their capacity to quickly develop independence. But human babies require years of reliance upon caretakers to survive.

Scientists now know a major ingredient in this developmental process is the “serve and return” relationship between children and their parents and other caregivers in the family or community. Young children naturally reach out for interaction through babbling, facial expressions, and gestures, and adults respond with the same kind of vocalizing and gesturing back at them. In the absence of such responses—or if the responses are unreliable or inappropriate—the brain’s architecture does not form as expected, which can lead to disparities in learning and behavior.

InBrief: The Science of Early Childhood Development, from the Center of the Developing Child at Harvard University

Validation and Survival

In short, survival requires that we attune to the cues of validation and acceptance by our caregivers. We quickly learn that cute and nice invites warmth, kindness, and connection. In a healthy and emotionally balanced home environment, we are lovingly weaned off validation dependence. As we develop a sense of who we are in relationship with others we develop healthy interdependence or dysfunctional codependence.

Unless you’re a hermit, you have relationships with others. You rely upon them for your survival and have a natural need for connection. Interdependence is established when this reliance is reciprocal and balanced. Codependence is established when the reliance goes beyond the appropriate adult need for connection and security to the undeveloped and unmet need for childhood validation.

Wired for Codependency

Those of us who enter adulthood wired for codependency attract partners with the same needs. Often, the strategies employed by those of us with validation deficiencies look like rules to follow for a happy life. Unfortunately, those rules inevitably backfire. Codependent couples find themselves in painful and frustrating loops of unhappiness.

Step One to Recovery

Recognizing and acknowledging codependent tendencies is the first step in finding our way back to authentic connection and healthy interdependence.

Be as honest with yourself as you can. Read through this list of codependent rules and strategies to live by. How many do you use in your life?

The Ten Commandments of Codependency

1. Give to others so they will appreciate your generosity and give to you

2. Fix problems for others and take care of them so they will recognize your value and appreciate you

3. Seek validation and approval so you can feel good about yourself, and avoid disapproval so you don’t feel shame

4. Avoid conflict so you can feel safe

5. Hide mistakes and flaws to avoid disapproval and judgment

6. Do things right to avoid criticism

7. Hide your feelings so you don’t look weak and vulnerable

8. Don’t act like other bad people so people will like you

9. Avoid friendships because they give others too much opportunity to see through your act and realize you’re not worthy of their friendship.

10. Make your partner happy by making your own needs less important than theirs so you can keep them happy enough to keep loving you.

Characteristics of Healthy Interdependence

How many of the following ten characteristics of healthy interdependence were modeled for you as a child?

1. Give to others for the joy of giving without attachment to reward or outcome.

2. Stay in your own lane unless asked for help. Then help if you want to and if you can.

3. Consider the disapproval of others to illuminate your own blind spots and know that their disapproval is more about them than about you.

4. Recognize that conflict happens in healthy relationships and says nothing about your worth as a human being. When conflict is abuse or bullying, walk away.

5. Learn from mistakes. Get curious and embrace growth edges.

6. Learn to do things well with a growth mindset.

7. Feel what you feel and allow those you love and connect with to experience you fully.

8. Follow your inner moral compass.

9. Enjoy friendships with those who you feel drawn to. Develop connection through authentic interaction.

10. Practice self-care and care for those you love.

In my early adult years, I lived by the rules of the first list. For the past 20+ years I have deliberately and intentionally done the internal work required to have the second list now be my default.

Codependency is the logical outcome of a childhood devoid of healthy emotional modeling. But I am living proof that codependency can be healed. I’ve applied many approaches in my recovery journey including the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families 12-step program, The Work of Byron Katie and Internal Family Systems therapy and coaching.