Insights From a One-Butt Kitchen

Photo by Jess Bailey Designs

Shortly after my wife and I moved in together, we hadn’t learned yet how to navigate our small kitchen without getting in each other's way. For example, I would grab something from the refrigerator and turn toward the counter but have to stop my momentum to avoid running into her.

Or the reverse would happen and I would get in her way. I felt an inner irritation when this happened and blamed it on the size of the kitchen, referring to it as our ‘one-butt kitchen.’

Trying to control myself

One day, Kathy was focused on preparing a meal as I loaded the dishwasher. We’d already gotten in each other’s way a few times and my inner irritation was building. I was committed to remaining pleasant and loving, but a part of me felt irritated and blamed her for the traffic jam. As I placed a bowl in the dishwasher, Kathy mentioned that she preferred to load the dishwasher differently.

I felt a surge of anger and heard myself say, “I guess I can’t do anything right.” 

The stored emotional energy of some past event had become activated. It didn’t matter that I was committed to being loving and pleasant. When I reached my capacity to manage my inner irritation, the part of me responsible for avoiding conflict became overwhelmed. The irritated part of me blurted it's irritation. I felt what the irritated part felt and said what it wanted to say.

Both Kathy and I were surprised. I didn’t know anything about IFS at the time of my outburst. I didn’t understand what had just happened and inwardly shamed myself for my outburst. I apologized and took responsibility. I told her it wasn’t her fault and that she didn’t deserve to be talked to with the tone I used or to be blamed for upsetting me.

Aren’t I supposed to be evolved?

After divorcing my second wife, I devoted a dozen years to becoming the man who would attract a kind and loving woman or who would be happy and content alone. I hoped the intense personal development work I had done would manifest in a healthy relationship with Kathy. 

I believed I had evolved. But an evolved man doesn’t feel anger over something so silly, I thought. I believed that I had healed and was more mentally fit that I had been in my first two marriages. But a mentally fit man doesn’t get irritated and blame others does he? 

Worried about what she thought

Was she now afraid that, like her previous partners, I too would become thoughtless, selfish, controlling and abusive? Would she now feel like she needed to be careful around me? Had I really changed, evolved, and become more mentally fit?

There is a simple cause and effect logic that seems to explain what happened to me. It was easy to believe that my internal emotional state was dependent upon external events and other people. In the absence of self-awareness and an understanding and acceptance that there is a more accurate and empowering explanation, I was otherwise baffled by my automatic and out-of-control reaction.

A more accurate and empowering understanding

There were several significant events in my life that got stuck in me. My body somehow stored the emotional energy of these events. Occasionally, something happens in my current life that activates the stored emotional energy of one of these events and I feel what I felt then as if I am still experiencing it now. When this happens, my perception changes immediately. 

It doesn’t matter if the energy is from when I was an infant, a young man, or last week. I feel what I felt then when the energy of the emotion that has been stored in me.

Good news, bad news

Here’s a hard truth. You are responsible for your experience. That can sound like bad news if you now believe the opposite - that events and people outside of your control are responsible for your happiness or suffering. If you are waiting for the other person to change, you’ll be waiting a long time.

But if you can do the work required to accept that you are, in fact responsible for your experience that’s great news. If you can figure out how to manage and resolve your stored emotional energy, there is a chance that you can do something to increase happiness, improve relationships, and reduce your suffering.

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I hope you enjoyed this article and got something of value out of it. I wrote many of my articles before I discovered the Internal Family Systems model and started using IFS in my Spokane, Washington coaching practice.

So now, any strategies that I discussed in the past can be supercharged when we also take into account the principles of the IFS model which include:

Self - which is in the IFS model who you are - your True Self

IFS Coaches use the IFS model to help their clients make changes and get results

I have created an IFS Workbook to help my clients get lasting results

Although I trained with IFS Therapists, I am not a therapist myself. I am an IFS Practitioner and can be considered an IFS Coach which means I can coach you on how to use the IFS model. And I can use IFS in my coaching to help you get the results you want.