The Benefits and Costs of Complaint
Bob Newhart starred in a video years ago, playing a counselor who listens to his clients’ complaints and then simply tells them to “Stop it!”
Through a process of honest examination, when a complaint and its hidden payoffs are exposed, we can see what we were previously blind to. What has been unconscious becomes conscious. But is this enough to end the suffering that produces the complaint?
If we can get curious and explore the nature of our persistent complaints, we might realize that we are getting something out of what we complain about. If we weren’t getting something out of complaining, we would be determined to do whatever we could to stop wasting our time with complaining and do something about it.
When it comes to complaints, we all have blind spots. But ask the right questions and answer them honestly, and you may see past your blindness. For example, let’s just say I have a persistent complaint that “People are unreliable.” Below the surface of this complaint is a belief that people are unreliable. Beliefs can be difficult to identify because they are (or at one time were) so believable.
It seems evident that my belief is true and that my complaint is valid. My belief that people are unreliable seems more true every time someone fails to do what they say they will do. It’s proven every time a politician lies. It’s proven every time an employee does a lousy job and creates problems that are just as big or bigger than the ones they were hired to solve.
There’s plenty of proof that beliefs are true – otherwise we wouldn’t believe what we believe. But this is where things get interesting. Once a belief is formed, no amount of evidence can contradict it unless you are willing and able to be straight with yourself.
Contrary evidence is ignored, disconnected entirely from the belief. Clients pay their invoices and show up on time for appointments. The customer service representative follows through with the promised service and follow up email. Power is delivered to my house and business as promised. Yet, none of this reality makes a dent in my belief that people are unreliable.
What might make a dent is acknowledgement of the payoff I get by having the complaint. What do I get out of having things go this way? Using my example, what do I get out of believing people are unreliable?
Some possible benefits might be that I get to be right and can make them wrong, that focusing on others keeps the focus off me, that if others are the problem, they are the ones that need to change. Going deeper, if people are unreliable, I can just do it all myself and not have to get involved in the messiness of a relationship. I can avoid conflict. I can be the victim and be faultless.
But what are the costs of these dubious benefits? Some possible costs could include feeling powerless, alone, resentful, and disconnected.
Considering what I can be responsible for that would disappear my complaint further wakes me from my slumber. For example, by looking at the benefit and cost of my persistent complaint, I may begin to see what I could do to resolve what I have been complaining about.
I could be responsible for speaking up when someone doesn’t keep their word. I could take responsibility for contributing to workable and cooperative partnerships. I could take responsibility for my fear of people and for pushing them away by being critical of them.
These, of course, are just examples of what might be found upon honest examination. These questions are a powerful beginning to what authors Jocko Willink and Leif Babin refer to in their book as Extreme Ownership.
Getting to the bottom of persistent complaint benefits and costs and exploring what you can be responsible for has the potential to increase personal power, performance, and satisfaction in life.
I hope you enjoyed this article and got something of value out of it. I wrote many of my articles before I discovered the Internal Family Systems model and started using IFS in my Spokane, Washington coaching practice.
So now, any strategies that I discussed in the past can be supercharged when we also take into account the principles of the IFS model which include:
Self - which is in the IFS model who you are - your True Self
IFS Coaches use the IFS model to help their clients make changes and get results
I have created an IFS Workbook to help my clients get lasting results
Although I trained with IFS Therapists, I am not a therapist myself. I am an IFS Practitioner and can be considered an IFS Coach which means I can coach you on how to use the IFS model. And I can use IFS in my coaching to help you get the results you want.
