How to Care About Self Care
Listen as I read and talk about this article.
Be Here Now
At the beginning of my coaching groups, I guide participants for three to five minutes to help them arrive in the present moment. Participants join from all over the world, so they are in different time zones. It could be early afternoon for me in the western US, late evening in Europe, or tomorrow morning in Australia. Regardless of the time of day, it is always now when we begin the group.
But being here now, as Ram Dass teaches, can be challenging. By focusing on something that is happening now such as the breath, body sensations, or sounds, participants find their way back from whatever has been getting their conscious attention prior to arriving in the coaching session. The momentum of whatever has been happening converges as up to eight group participants join with a common intention: to recover their authentic selves using the Internal Family Systems model (IFS).
At the end of the opening guided meditation, I invite participants to do an “external check in.” I give them one minute each to report what is happening inside at the moment. Sixty seconds isn’t very long. But, having arrived in the present moment, group participants have enough self awareness to clearly report what is so for them.
Self Care
During the external check in in a recent group, I heard reports of fatigue and feeling overwhelmed. When the last participant finished sharing, I commented that I heard a common theme: self care. Seven nodding heads on my computer screen validated my assertion.
As often happens in my groups, I asked the participants to do some journaling. Setting a timer for two minutes, I asked them to notice their internal reactions to the concept of self care. “What happens inside when I mention the words, self care?” I asked. The participants began to type or write their thoughts as I considered what those words meant to me.
Self care, I thought, seems a little selfish and indulgent. I thought of bubble baths, massages, and manicures. I’ve hired several coaches and practically every one of them urged me to make self care more of a priority. But I’ve never been able to justify the cost in time and money for such luxuries.
Recently, my thoughts about self care have shifted. I now think of self care as saying yes to what I want and no to what I don’t.
Your Parts
When the timer sounded, I set it for another two minutes and asked the participants to journal about the question, “What parts showed up when you wrote about self care?”
I encourage my clients to view themselves through the IFS lens; acknowledging that what they think, feel, and do is influenced by parts of them that are trying in some way to help. So, this question made sense to them. By exploring thoughts and emotions related to the self care trailhead, each participant exercised curiosity which expanded their self awareness; two crucial elements of personal transformation.
I looked at the clock. We still had plenty of time, so I sent the participants off in pairs to breakout rooms for 15 minutes. I paired up with a participant and listened as she shared her thoughts about self care. She reported what she sensed and knew about the parts of her that influenced her perspective, paralleling much of my own perspective.
Unconditional Positive Regard
Returning to the main group, I gave the participants one minute to answer the next question, “Who do you have unconditional positive regard for?”
I’m currently listening to Cheryl Strayed’s audiobook, “Tiny Beautiful Things” and have been impressed by the power of unconditional positive regard; what happens in the relationship between attuned individuals. It’s what we needed as children and it’s what we chase after as adults when we didn’t get enough of it growing up.
When the timer went off, I set it for another two minutes and asked, “What do you want for them?” What do you want for those who you have unconditional positive regard for - for those who you love and offer the benefit of the doubt to?
Now that the participants were focused on someone they loved and cared about, they could view the concept of self care through a fresh, untarnished lens. I reset the timer for two more minutes and asked the fifth question, “How would you like them to care for themselves?” Here is someone you love and care about unconditionally. No matter what they have done wrong, no matter how flawed you perceive them to be, you want the best for them. You still regard them in a positive light. How do you want them to treat themselves?
How do you care for you?
The next question asked the participants to place themselves in the same positive regard. “What are you realizing about how you care for yourself?” While the group answered the question, I set up breakout rooms. After two minutes, I sent them off in pairs again for ten minutes.
I was paired up with a different participant this time. Like me, he’d grown up believing that caring about and caring for himself was selfish. Caring about others earned approval. He learned to be hard on himself and believed he didn’t deserve the same love and care he was expected to give to others.
Make a difference
With just a few minutes remaining in the 90 minute session, I asked the participants what they would now do with their insights. It’s great to see what we’ve been blind to. But if we don’t act on the new information it doesn’t make a difference in our lives.
What are you realizing? What will you do to have your insights make a difference for you?
