I didn’t know that acting nice and actually being nice were two different states of being. I hated to admit it but when I was acting nice, I was ACTING. What my wife wanted was the real me. But deep down inside I was convinced that the real me wasn’t enough. How could she love someone like me? I didn’t even like me.

The Nice Guy Syndrome starts in childhood as we observe the relationships of adults around us. It’s a maladaptive set of charactaristics and traits employed often by men who are trying not to be like their abusive fathers.

There is much more to recovery than just abstinence. Clean and sober is a great start. That puts you in the waiting room for recovery. You’ve managed to abstain. Some things have gotten better, sure. But some things haven’t changed at all - or they’ve gotten worse! Wasn’t abstinence supposed to solve all these problems? The good news is that while abstinence is a great start, recovery involves healing. I have been clean and sober for over 40 years. But I didn’t start to recover until I started to heal.

A belief system is a system of thoughts that we have decided are true. For the most part, our beliefs are hidden from us. When we are introduced to a concept or idea, we compare that concept or idea to embedded and accepted thoughts (beliefs) in our subconscious. If they match, we feel comfortable.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a groundbreaking therapeutic approach that has transformed countless lives. Rooted in the belief that our psyche is composed of multiple subpersonalities, IFS offers a unique lens to view and understand our inner world.

I’ve been married 3 times. In my first two marriages I experienced a lot of pain, misunderstanding, resentment, and arguments. The relationships didn’t work. I also struggled to connect with my kids through the years. I wasn’t a great father to them.

Why bring up the past? The past is in the past, right? Well, yes. But only if you are watching the clock and the calendar.

When we love the way we learned to love from people who had unhealed childhood trauma, our love is conditional. It is a trauma response. What we think of as love is actually a set of conditions that influence our thoughts, emotions, body sensations, impulses, choices, reactions, and behaviors in love relationships.

Let’s face it. Maintaining healthy relationships can be difficult. Despite internal arguments that we would be better off alone, we need each other. We need connection. It’s an evolutionary thing. The species wouldn’t survive without collaboration.

When receiving a warm referral, you have an overwhelming advantage over the competition. Unless a business already has sufficient demand for its services, it is crucial to develop relationships with others who refer new clients.

Growing up, I often heard, “You should be ashamed of yourself” when something I had done was judged as wrong or unacceptable. When this message came from my parents and teachers, I believed them. Being told I should be ashamed was so painful that I scrambled to understand what I had done so I never again had to feel the pain of being shamed.

I’m sitting in the passenger seat. My wife is driving. We are both very familiar with this part of town, but we don’t share the same brain so when she turns left, I hear myself say, “You should have gone straight.” This is the third or forth time I have back-seat driven from the passenger seat and she’s running out of patience with me. “You shouldn’t tell me how to drive,” she snaps.

Life can often feel like the arcade game, Whack-a-Mole. A problem shows up, we whack it and then wait for the next one to show up so we can whack it before the next one shows up so we can… whack it!

There are three reasons soemone hasn’t already achieved their desire result.

1. They lack the clarity to know what they want,

2. They don’t believe they deserve what they want, and

3. They have been unconsciously and automatically producing the results they have always gotten.

In this article I discuss how to address all these reasons using the IFS model.

How I work with my clients, what is required, how we determine fit, commitments, and costs of Results Coaching and Consulting

Business relationships can be productive and rewarding. They can also be challenging when they trigger the unresolved past evidenced by strong emotions and extreme reactions. This article describes the experience of an executive client and demonstrates a process for responding as the fully resourced professional you are capable of being.

What path are you on? Have you settled for a life of suffering? Or do you believe there’s more? Whether you are just beginning on a path of personal development or have been traveling for some time, what’s next?

Healthy boundaries are not as much about other people as they are about you. A healthy boundary is a recognition of your level of comfort and your capacity to respond in a way that reflects current reality rather than reacting to something that reminds you of the painful or scary past.