What’s Next?
Where do you want the path you’re on to take you?
In 1982 I went to a 12-step meeting and stopped drinking. I’ve been completely sober ever since that first meeting on November 15, 1982.
How did going to a meeting help? The answer to that question can be found in my reason for going. I was afraid that if I didn’t do something, I was going to lose my wife, Lori and our two children Billy and Sarah. Lori was clearly unhappy with me.
I didn’t believe I had a problem with alcohol. Lori had never complained or criticized me for drinking. But her new boss was a sober member of a 12-step group.
Lori and I had been together for about eight years at that point. I was extremely insecure in our relationship. She was a beautiful, young, and vibrant woman. I could not believe she picked me and knew the day would come when she would realize what I already knew; that she could do far better.
When she told me about conversations with her boss, I wondered if she was having an affair with him. She told me he was an alcoholic and my heart sank. I knew all about alcoholics. My dad and mom, some of my siblings, and several of my coworkers were alcoholics. They were all unpredictable, unreliable, and scary. Although Lori’s boss had been sober for 2 ½ years I believed alcoholics were problems whether they were drinking or not. I was afraid he was about to break up our marriage.
One evening when he and his wife were having dinner with us at our house, her boss asked me if I wanted to go to a meeting with him.
My brother, Stan had gotten sober earlier that year. In fact, just that summer Stan had taken me to my first meeting. I only went with him to show my support – certainly not because I thought I had a problem. Once I realized Stan believed I had a drinking problem, I stopped talking with him.
When Lori’s new boss invited me to a meeting, I had mixed feelings. I was angry and felt judged. I suspected Lori had been complaining to me about him and was angry at her. And I was scared. I felt cornered. If I refused, the marriage might be over. But if I went with him to the meeting, Lori might stop stop the affair (which I now know never happened) and start liking me again. All I had to do was go to some stupid meetings and stop drinking.
So, I went with him to the meeting. And to my surprise, I really liked it. Well, not everything. I didn’t like all the God talk. And I didn’t like how much my body shook and how hard it was to stay in my chair.
Everybody in the meeting – and I mean EVERYBODY smoked cigarettes. The small room where we met was thick with smoke and the smell of coffee and bad breath.
Maybe I liked the meeting because I saw an opportunity to compete for the longest period of sobriety. Maybe it was because I saw that most of the people there were more of a mess than I was. Maybe it was because I enjoyed their stories. But most importantly, I felt understood, accepted, welcomed and at home.
So, I kept going back. After a week, two new people showed up with less sober time. I was in the union and recognized the benefits of seniority at work. I guess I viewed sobriety the same way. The longer I was sober the more respect I got.
That was how my journey of personal development began. Lori and I found a marriage counselor and I was surprised to realize that I liked that too. It was uncomfortable. I hated how exposed and scared I felt. But it made us talk. And we needed to talk. We had a LOT to talk about. Marriage counseling made a difference and I started looking around for what else could make a difference.
Once I had been sober for a while, I realized that in fact I did have a problem with alcohol. I never felt comfortable saying I was an alcoholic and felt a lot of shame the first time I said it out loud. Everyone else in the meetings said it so it got easy. But it never felt quite right.
After I had been sober for about twenty years it was clear that just being sober and going to meetings wasn’t enough. I was hungry for a better life and started trying to find a way to get it.
I found several answers. IFS therapists helped. Landmark Education helped. The Work of Byron Katie helped. And with this help I began to heal. Sobriety helped me realize I needed help. Once I got past my believe that asking for help meant I was a weak loser, I was able to accept the help I needed.
For my first 48 years, suffering was a way of life. After I had been sober for about 20 years, I began having some experiences that promised something beyond suffering. I started asking, “Now what?”
As I look back, I realize that my first 20 years of sobriety made it possible to start healing my past. As I did my work, I suffered less and my capacity for the good things increased. I started considering a life I could feel good about. I wondered what was beyond suffering. What was next?
My personal development journey has reminded me of who I am. I have found my way back to my true authentic Self where I have discovered my purpose and a joyful and fulfilling life.
What path are you on? Have you settled for a life of suffering? Or do you believe there’s more? Whether you are just beginning on a path of personal development or have been traveling for some time, what’s next?
