Using Internal Family Systems for Shame
Growing up, I often heard, “You should be ashamed of yourself” when something I had done was judged as wrong or unacceptable. When this message came from my parents and teachers, I believed them. Being told I should be ashamed was so painful that I scrambled to understand what I had done so I never again had to feel the pain of being shamed.
Shaming is a powerful tool because shame is a painful emotion. If one person can shame another into modifying their behavior, they have found an efficient strategy for control. My parents had 7 children. They were often overwhelmed by the responsibility of feeding, sheltering, and clothing all of us.
They too, were shamed as children. They too, learned that shaming someone is an effective tool for control.
Martha Sweezy, an Internal Family Systems author and trainer wrote, “Children can bear bad things happening, but they don’t know how to bear the idea that they are bad.”
Once a child agrees that they should be ashamed, they must find a reason that they should be ashamed. They conclude that they are bad. As the child grows older, “I am bad” becomes “I’m such an idiot. I’m so selfish. I am stupid. I am worthless. I’m not enough. I’m too much. I’m not lovable. I’m not worth caring for and worse.”
These are internal beliefs that impact relationships for the rest of their lives unless the beliefs are changed.
Kevin wants to borrow one of Joe’s tools. But Joe needs his tools for his trade and can’t afford to lose any of them. So, he tells Kevin no, he cannot borrow one of his tools.
Kevin tells Joe that he is selfish. Joe gets angry at Kevin and tells him he is rude.
Both Kevin and Joe agree that being selfish is bad. Someone who is selfish is bad. They also agree that being rude is bad. Someone who is rude is bad. People who aren’t selfish or rude are acceptable. People who are selfish or rude aren’t acceptable.
Both Kevin and Joe have learned how to navigate being shamed. They have learned to bully others with shame. But shaming someone is just one of the strategies that can be used to avoid being shamed.
Another example of shaming is the use of the word ‘should.’ You should, I should, they shouldn’t, he should, I shouldn’t. Should is shaming. “They should or shouldn’t” is a thought or statement of a shaming individual. “I should or shouldn’t” is a thought or statement of an individual with a shaming part.
Children try to be good to overcome being bad. Or they hide to avoid being shamed, believing that if they minimize exposure, they will be shamed less often.
And there is no magical age when the strategies of a child disappear. We don’t just get older and stop feeling shame. We don’t automatically become immune to shame and shaming.
So, what is there to do about the beliefs and behaviors that have been developed over a lifetime of shame and shaming?
Stuart Smalley from Saturday Night Live looked in the mirror and used affirmations to make himself feel better. “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” But affirmations only argue with programmed beliefs. They cannot overcome them.
Changing shame-based beliefs can break the shame cycle. When children are shamed, parts of themselves are relegated to the job of hiding the pain associated with the shame while other parts work hard to overcome what they have come to believe is shameful about them.
When these shame-based beliefs are debunked, there is no place for shaming to land. When the adult who was shamed as a child no longer agrees that they should be ashamed, they are no longer vulnerable to being shamed. The unashamed individual cannot be controlled by shame because it doesn’t get in.
One method for permanently changing shame-based beliefs is the Internal Family Systems model. To learn more about IFS, click here.
I hope you enjoyed this article and got something of value out of it. I wrote many of my articles before I discovered the Internal Family Systems model and started using IFS in my Spokane, Washington coaching practice.
So now, any strategies that I discussed in the past can be supercharged when we also take into account the principles of the IFS model which include:
Self - which is in the IFS model who you are - your True Self
IFS Coaches use the IFS model to help their clients make changes and get results
I have created an IFS Workbook to help my clients get lasting results
Although I trained with IFS Therapists, I am not a therapist myself. I am an IFS Practitioner and can be considered an IFS Coach which means I can coach you on how to use the IFS model. And I can use IFS in my coaching to help you get the results you want.
