Recovering from Nice Guy Syndrome
Photo by Kampus ProductionWhen I first read No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover, I saw immediately that I was a Nice Guy. In the book’s preface, Glover wrote,
“No matter how hard I tried to please her, keep the peace, avoid conflict, and hide my needs, she was still frequently moody, angry, critical, and sexually unavailable.”
He was describing me! How frustrated I felt when I would try so hard to be who I thought my wife wanted me to be only to feel rejected and blamed for her unhappiness. Glover coined the term, Nice Guy Syndrome, and defines it as follows.
“The Nice Guy Syndrome represents a belief that if Nice Guys are ‘good,’ they will be loved, get their needs met, and live a problem-free life.”
Acting Nice
I didn’t know that acting nice and being nice were two different states of being. I hated to admit it but when I was acting nice, I was ACTING. What my wife wanted was the real me. But deep down inside I was convinced that the real me wasn’t enough. How could she love someone like me? I didn’t even like me.
That left me pretending to be someone she could love. And she hated that. I wanted sex. I wanted it all the time. She didn’t seem to be interested. I was insecure, distrustful, and suspicious. My greatest fear was that she would leave me or cheat on me.
My Strategy to get what I wanted
My strategy to get her to love me and give me more sex was to anticipate her every need and preference. I figured if she never had to ask me for what she wanted or needed, she would appreciate me so much she would give me what I wanted and needed. Sex!
When it didn’t work I pouted. I withdrew. I felt hurt and resentful. Not surprisingly my discouragement only pushed her further away.
Unfortunately, she died of a brain tumor before I could learn how to get real. Within 2 years, I was married again. This time my Nice Guy act didn’t work any better. My first wife was quiet, reserved, and suffered in silence. My second wife was aggressively vocal about her unhappiness. She, too just wanted a real, unapologetic husband. But I hadn’t learned anything yet about how to get real.
The Best and the Worst
That marriage ended after 9 years. I left feeling beaten up and defeated. Both best and worst of all, I had lost confidence in my ability to attract a healthy partner and dedicated myself to getting better before falling into another unworkable relationship. Worst because I felt hopeless and resigned to being single for the rest of my life before I would let myself get trapped in another painful marriage. Best because I was desperate and wanted to find some answers.
Learning to get real
And I did find some answers. Slowly and gradually, I learned to turn my focus inside to discover who I really was and who I really wasn’t. Along with Glover’s book I found Landmark Education, The Work of Byron Katie, and several other books and resources that taught me how to get real.
In 2011 I met my current wife, Kathy. So, yes, I’ve been married three times. We just celebrated 13 happy years together. Not perfect. Not always nice. But real. Almost always.
IFS Enhanced Recovery
I didn’t discover the Internal Family Systems model (IFS) until 2016. So, it wasn’t IFS that helped me get real initially. Challenging my beliefs using the Work of Byron Katie taught me how to go inside and make changes from the inside out. Kathy and I had already been together 5 years by the time I learned how to use the IFS model for my own healing and personal development. I was already on a healing and growth track by the time I found IFS. Kathy didn’t notice much of a difference when I started using IFS to enhance my Nice Guy recovery. But I noticed it.
I noticed that it’s easier to be me than to be who I think someone wants me to be.
Now that I have been trained by the IFS Institute, I use it with almost all of my clients. Why wouldn’t I? Nothing works better or faster than IFS for getting real. And being real is what women really love.
Click here to get Dr. Glover’s book, No More Mr. Nice Guy
Click here to learn more about the IFS for Nice Guy Syndrome workshop.
