Disconnected Conversations
Communication breakdowns threaten connection and community. It’s no wonder that these two words, community and communication have their roots in the word, commune which means to share one’s intimate thoughts or feelings with someone.
Belonging and Connection
A sense of belonging is a basic human need. Communication is how we connect with others. Without connection, we are in danger of being excluded. Left on our own without the support of a community, life can feel empty, meaningless, and threatening. Connection, safety, and a sense of belonging happens when we feel understood and when those we join in community feel understood by us.
In this article I will address how to stay connected in a conversation. Let’s explore how easily disconnection can happen by eavesdropping on Bob and Rose, two corporate executives trying to navigate a difficult situation. Due to a downturn in business, the company they work for needs to find ways to start showing a profit again.
Bob: …and that’s why I think we should start in production.
Rose: (silence)
Bob: Did you hear what I said?
Rose: Yes, I heard you.
Bob: Well?
Rose: I heard you, but you lost me about 10 minutes ago when you started talking about the profit and loss statement.
Bob: That’s what we’re here for, right? We need to improve profits.
Rose: Yes, of course, it’s just…
Bob: What?
Rose: I was still thinking about all the people the layoffs are going to hurt.
Bob: (frustrated) You obviously haven’t looked at the P&L lately. If we don’t do something soon we’ll all be out of jobs.
What happened?
Bob and Rose are not communicating well because they aren’t maintaining a connection. When Bob started talking about profits, Rose’s attention remained on her concerns for those who would be laid off.
Both Bob and Rose are responsible for effective communication. What could each of them have done differently to stay connected in this conversation?
Bob could have checked in with Rose before discussing the Profit and Loss Statement to listen to her thoughts and responses to the earlier conversation about layoffs. Rose could have paused Bob when she realized she was no longer able to really listen to him.
By missing the opportunity to complete one idea before moving on to the next, Bob continued to talk after Rose had reached her capacity to listen.
Acknowledge the disconnection
Connection might have been facilitated in this conversation by the listener. When Rose realized she could no longer give her full attention to Bob, she could have spoken up.
Bob: By laying off 10% of the workforce, we can save enough to show a profit in quarter 3.
Rose: Bob, before we dive into the math, can we pause to talk more about the layoffs?
Bob: Sure, I’m listening.
Rose: I’m really upset that this is our only solution. I’m concerned about our employees and their families. And I’m worried about the impact this will have on our company culture.
Bob: Do you have some other ideas about how to respond to the downturn in business?
Rose: No, not yet, but if you’re open to it, I think we should try to find another way.
Check in with the listener
Connection could also have been facilitated by the speaker. Bob could pause after sharing one piece of information to see if Rose had anything to say about what he said.
Bob: Next, I want to look at the Profit and Loss statement but I want to give you a chance to weigh in on this first.
Rose: Thanks Bob. I’m not sure I would have spoken up but I’m going to have a hard time staying focused right now. I’m pretty upset about these layoffs.
Bob: Let’s talk about that. Tell me more…
Whether the speaker is addressing a single topic or many, most listeners will struggle to move from one idea to another without taking some time to process the information. If information is delivered too quickly for the listener to process, the speaker will lose the listener’s interest because they are overwhelmed by the pace of the communication.
Set the pace
For effective communication, the speaker must pace the flow of information so the listener doesn’t have to work too hard to process the information that is shared. The speaker will have greater success if they pause to confirm receipt and acceptance of one idea before moving on to the next. The listener will have greater success when they ask the speaker to pause until they have sufficiently processed and understand the first idea.
Both Bob and Rose were responsible to pace the conversation so that both felt fully heard and understood. Where in your life are you missing an opportunity to stay connected to the people you are communicating with?
