Three Steps to Reconnection

Let’s face it. Maintaining healthy relationships can be difficult. Despite internal arguments that we would be better off alone, we need each other. We need a connection. It’s an evolutionary thing. The species wouldn’t survive without collaboration.

But staying connected can be challenging. To stay connected, it’s important to agree on what has been agreed to in a relationship. But before we can do that, we must identify the implied agreements.

Assumed Agreements

Since most agreements are implicit, explicitly acknowledging the important ones can help maintain a connection. Lack of clarity and misunderstanding cause disconnection. The assumptions that we make about each other and about the relationship can create confusion and upset.

For example, since Jo usually takes out the garbage, Jim now assumes it is Jo’s job. When Jo sees that Jim expects him to take out the garbage, he feels resentful and judges Jim as lazy and selfish. At first, Jo keeps his upset to himself and stews. Eventually, the tension builds up and Jo can’t hold it in anymore. Jo’s passive attempts to get Jim to share the responsibility for garbage removal fail and Jo blows up. Things are said and they decide to live in separate locations.

Jo and Jim lost connection because Jim assumed that Jo had agreed to be responsible for garbage removal. Jo had assumed that garbage removal was a shared responsibility. Each viewed the other as operating outside of their agreement and the result was disconnection and upset which, in this case, severed their relationship.

In the workplace

Janet is in charge of weekend scheduling for the front end of the grocery store where she works. She is also responsible for hiring and training front-end personnel. Charlie has worked as a cashier at the store since before Janet was hired but is in danger of losing his job. Janet calls Charlie to fill in for an employee who called in sick, but Charlie declines. Janet is upset because she expects her employees to fill shifts that open when she asks them to. As soon as she can hire someone else, Janet plans to terminate Charlie’s employment.

Janet thought that she and Charlie had an agreement: Charlie would work shifts when Janet asked him to. Charlie had made no such agreement. Janet had given Charlie some time off when he requested it and assumed Charlie would return the favor. Charlie thought that he and Janet had an agreement: Janet would schedule him for no more than 32 hours per week and additional shifts were optional.

Charlie and Janet lost connection because they had different expectations and operated under different agreements.

Relationships don’t always end over implicit and assumed agreements. But they almost always suffer because of them. What can be done?

Three Steps to Reconnection

Here is a three-step process for making implicit agreements explicit.

1.      Acknowledge breakdowns in your relationships as they occur. When you or the other party are upset, acknowledge the upset. “I am feeling upset” or “You seem upset.”

2.      Attempt to understand each other. What is upsetting? Listen for implicit agreements. Do either of you have expectations based on an assumed agreement?

3.      Using the no-blame (who is to blame is irrelevant) rule, negotiate an agreement that you can both willingly agree to.

This process may feel challenging at first but if both parties are committed to connection, repeated use of this process makes it easier to recognize disconnection and address it.