Abstinence Does Not Equal Recovery

There is much more to recovery than just abstinence. Clean and sober is a great start. That puts you in the waiting room for recovery. You’ve managed to abstain. Some things have gotten better, sure. But some things haven’t changed at all - or they’ve gotten worse! Wasn’t abstinence supposed to solve all these problems? The good news is that while abstinence is a great start, recovery involves healing. I have been clean and sober for over 40 years. But I didn’t start to recover until I started to heal.

My Story

My drug of choice was alcohol. I stopped using cannabis three years before I stopped drinking because my wife said she would leave me if I kept smoking pot. That was hard. I loved smoking pot. But the fear of losing her and my kids was unbearable so I stopped.

I used “crosstops” or speed for about a year. But I stopped that because I couldn’t sleep, didn’t want to eat, and thought I was going crazy.

Alcohol was my comfort. But I quit that too when my wife met some friends who were in recovery. Paul and Becky (not their real names) were both involved in 12-step programs. AA for Paul and Alanon for Becky. My wife Lori liked them and invited them to our home often. This was in the early 80s and we all smoked cigarettes but I was the only one drinking alcohol so of course I hated them.

Lori started changing after she met Paul and Becky. She even started going to Alanon with Becky where they taught her how to detach from me. God, I hated them.

Scared Sober

When Paul invited me to an AA meeting I felt insulted. But because I was afraid Lori might leave me, I went with him. AA scared me even more with the idea that I had a disease that was going to kill me. Fear got me sober and the camaraderie of the people in the meetings kept me sober long enough to find recovery.

I felt some hope that being sober would solve all my secret problems. But I still had my secrets and I still had my problems with a year of sobriety. I felt proud of my shiny medallion and the respect and recognition I got for the feat. After a year without alcohol, I was out of the habit of drinking.

I was spending less money, but I wasn’t spending any more time at home. In fact, Lori and the kids probably saw less of me than before I stopped drinking. I attended up to three meetings a day and got my feel-goods at the meetings and the meetings after the meetings.

My New Addiction

Even with some counseling and therapy, Lori and I struggled. We separated briefly and continued to work together on improving the marriage but we struggled until the day she died of a brain tumor. I had been sober for 7 years at that point and never considered drinking again to deal with my grief. I found something even better to numb myself: women.

After a series of disastrous affairs, I realized I was bingeing on relationships and felt completely out of control. It actually felt as though I had no control, had no choice. A part of me would occasionally surface and notice the chaos my new addiction was creating in my life as well as the painful and damaging impact on others including my two children. But that part would soon be overridden by the numbing addiction of codependent relationships.

This went on for two years and spanned five relationships before I got married again. Not because I loved the woman I married. I got married again because I wanted to stop the crazy train and knew my history as a married man. When I was married, I didn’t cheat. I was no longer vulnerable to the numbing addiction to new relationships.

The Crazy Train

My second marriage lasted nine years. We were both miserable. I survived every day of that marriage until I couldn’t do it anymore and left. Sober for 17 years, I existed in a state of fear and self-doubt. How could I ever trust myself with women? I was afraid that if I even considered a relationship I would be back on the crazy train.

So, it was back to meetings again. I had all but stopped attending meetings because my second wife hated me for giving my attention to anything or anyone besides her. Feeling afraid and desperate I returned to meetings but found that they no longer held the allure and appeal they once had. I had lost my recovery community during my second marriage and had trouble finding the magic again.

Recovery at Last

Another sober friend and I searched for other resources and support and were fortunate enough to find The Work of Byron Katie which taught me – for the first time in my life- to go inside and take an honest look at what was happening in there. By learning her method for self-examination, I began to recover. Recovery began for me after I had been sober for 22 years.

Developing the skill of self-awareness saved me from countless years of suffering. Eventually, I became a coach and began supporting my clients using The Work of Byron Katie. I continued to do my own internal work and eventually was introduced to the Internal Family Systems model which changed everything.

My recovery has been taken much deeper. I now understand that I am recovering from my incomplete past. I am recovering my true authentic Self and all of the innate resources and qualities that are accessible when I show up as the real me.

More than Abstinence

Recovery is so much more than abstinence but for some, recovery cannot happen at all without abstinence. I grew up in the recovery world learning that total abstinence must be achieved. However I have encountered many clients and others who have found recovery without total abstinence.

I believe the conditions to achieve recovery are the same conditions required to achieve internal healing of the past. Elements of those conditions include a clear mind and a sense of safety, hope, and the belief that recovery is possible.