How I use the IFS model for completion

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Incomplete

I was first introduced to the concept of incompletion by my coach Carlos Jones over ten years ago. During one of our sessions, I expressed my dissatisfaction and resentment at work. I was a home loan officer at the time.

After asking a few questions, Carlos said, “It sounds like you are incomplete with this.”

I agreed, although I wouldn’t really understand what he saw until we had done what he called a Completion Exercise.

The first step was to ask myself if I wanted to be “complete” with it. Surprisingly, the answer wasn’t as easy as it seemed. I wasn’t so sure I was ready to let go of my complaint and the energy it gave my story. I realized that Carlos was probably the third person I’d talked to about this. I was getting pretty good at telling my “they done me wrong” story and it felt like I was going to have to let go of something valuable if I declared an intention to be complete.

I am “incomplete” when I feel unresolved, disconnected, confused, dissatisfied, or stuck.

Complete

I don’t feel complete until I feel resolved, finished, reconnected, clear, satisfied, or free. I feel complete when my questions are answered, when I feel fully reassured, or when I am no longer upset. I can also feel complete when I recognize that the push for completion requires more energy and effort than I am willing to exert. I can feel complete once I’ve decided I’ve done as much as I am willing to do to feel resolved.

In other words, completion can be attained when I decide I am complete.

In 2016, I completed a one year coach training program. I had attended all twelve monthly weekends of training. The curriculum had been fully explained and practiced. On the final weekend of the training, the instructors asked us to take a few minutes to write down anything that felt incomplete for us. After about ten minutes, they asked if anyone needed more time. I had a lot to write about but now felt rushed. I was granted another five minutes and still felt incomplete with my list of incompletions.

Next, they asked us to go back through our list of incompletions and cross out any that we were unable or unwilling to let go of. I looked through my list, one incompletion at a time, and asked myself, “Am I able and willing to let go of this?” I could see that much of what I was hanging on to was petty and inconsequential. In one clarifying moment, I realized I could, as Michael Singer says, relax and release most of what was on my list. Being complete was a decision. This was a valuable lesson.

Suffering and Incompletion

Byron Katie says, “Any time I think a thought that argues with reality, I suffer. But only 100% of the time.” Are all incompletions thoughts that argue with reality?

Thinking back to my list on the final weekend of training, every incompletion was made up of thoughts that argued with reality. “The trainers should have done a better job of explaining, we should have had more time to practice, the concepts we were taught aren’t practical in the real world, and the instructors are condescending and arrogant.”

As you read through my list, notice the word, should. Should and shouldn’t are stories about how reality would be better if it were different. Notice my judgments. Judgments are also made up stories. They aren’t facts. When I clung to my stories, I suffered. Byron Katie was right.

When I believe thoughts that argue with reality, I suffer. When I insist that people and circumstances change as a condition for my happiness, I suffer. I am incomplete as long as I believe these thoughts and cling to these conditions of satisfaction.

The Problem with Incompletion

When I am incomplete, I find workarounds to accommodate my distorted view of reality. I am not able to show up in the world as my complete, authentic, fully resourced Self. Anything I do to prevent what has happened in the past from happening again (an incomplete past), diminishes my capacity to be fully present. Believing my own stories about what the scary, painful, and incomplete past meant prevents me from showing up as my wise adult Self.

Incompletion cuts me off from innate resources that I need to be who I can be, do what I could otherwise do, and live the life I would otherwise have.

Imagine each incompletion as an obstacle in the way of being who you really are — whole and complete. Who I was afraid I was and who I tried to be were obstacles to who I really was. As I have done the inner work of completion, I have enjoyed access to the innate resources available when I can be my true Self.

Completion

You are complete when you no longer experience internal suffering over that which you were incomplete about. You are complete when, in an environment which previously might trigger your suffering, you are fully empowered, present, and able to show up as your wise adult Self.

IFS and Completion

The Internal Family Systems model (IFS) views the human psyche as being made up of parts and a core Self. Parts of us take on roles to manage what is incomplete in our lives. Impressively, our parts devote themselves to this near-impossible task for the entirety of our lives, no matter how long ago the incompletion originated.

Using the IFS model, we can connect with parts that are organized around the incompletion, understand and appreciate them, and eventually offer to help them by accessing the resources of the authentic Self.

With healing, our parts recognize reality and we stop suffering. Our parts relax and allow the core Self — who we really are, to run our lives.