Under the Influence
Trigger Warning: If you are an active member of a 12 step program, you may find this article offensive — especially if you don’t have the full context for my intentions. You may want to read this first.
For those of us who have experienced 12-step recovery in AA, the word recovery refers to recovery from alcoholism. For me, the word refers to the recovery of the authentic Self. I believe that what there is to recover from are challenging and sometimes traumatic experiences we aren’t yet finished with.
So, let’s distinguish how the word recovery has been used in the recovery community and how shifting to a new understanding of the word can make true recovery accessible.
The subtitle for the Big Book is “The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism.”
To get a sense of what the AA founders meant when they used the words recover, recovered, and recovery, I searched the Big Book and found the following clarifying quotes.
The foreword to the first edition as it appeared in the first printing of the Big Book in 1939 clearly states that the purpose of AA is to show alcoholics how to recover from a “seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.”
“WE, OF Alcoholics Anonymous, are more than one hundred men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book.”
In Chapter 2, There is a Solution, recovery refers to “the drink problem.”
“WE, OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, know thousands of men and women who were once just as hopeless as Bill [Wilson]. Nearly all have recovered. They have solved the drink problem.”
What is alcoholism and what is an alcoholic? In Chapter 2, the AA view of this is explained as follows.
“But what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.”
In Chapter 3, More About Alcoholism, the AA perspective on alcoholics and alcoholism is further clarified.
“We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control…We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.”
Alcoholics Anonymous was the original 12 step program. This is where the word recovery began to be used by those who recognize that they have become addicted to something or someone and want to stop being addicted.
The AA member wants to recover from a hopeless and helpless state of mind and body. The AA basic text teaches that in order to do this, they need to take the 12 steps described in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous. And the way to measure recovery in AA is black and white. If you have recovered, you no longer drink alcohol. Ever. One day at a time.
The next 12-step program began shortly after AA did and at first used the same basic text. Alanon is for family members and loved ones of alcoholics. The Alanon member wants to recover from the impact of living with an alcoholic.
What each of these programs have in common is that participants have all turned to something or someone for relief from the pain of the unresolved past. They now want to recover from what they have used to manage that pain
When I was first introduced to the Internal Family Systems model, I had been completely abstinent from alcohol and other mind-altering drugs for 34 years. I had participated in AA that entire time, had participated in Alanon for 7 years, Adult Children of Alcoholics for three years, and Codependents Anonymous for a year.
I’d burned through at least ten 12-step sponsors; mentors who had been “working the program” long enough to offer support and guidance as I recovered. But, inevitably, I stopped asking each of these generous souls for help because I felt shamed, threatened (to drink is to die), controlled, misunderstood, and dissatisfied with the results. There was always something missing.
I blamed my sponsors, I blamed the programs, and I blamed myself. I hoped that if I could find the right sponsor, what was missing would be revealed. I wanted the program to work so I worked it. I worked the steps, I went to meetings, I did service work, I sponsored other program members, and I stayed sober. Still, something was missing. But from day one of sobriety and participation in 12-step programs, I believed I wasn’t working the program well enough. At my very core, despite my apparent success in recovery (the length of time I had remained sober) I believed I was failing because I still felt like such a mess inside.
And that, I believe, is the true measure of recovery. I want to recover from feeling like such a mess inside. I don’t want to react to life as if I’m an 8 year old child in an adult body and life. I don’t want to feel overwhelmed. I don’t want to feel overly sensitive. I don’t want to feel insecure and needy. I don’t want to worry about what you think about me. I don’t want to feel disconnected, misunderstood, taken advantage of, unappreciated, needy, and alone. I don’t want to have fear, anxiety, and depression be my normal.
That same “don’t want” list converts to an inspiring “want” list. I want to trust myself. I want to feel confident that I can tell the difference between a story I have fabricated and the facts. I want to have ample capacity to feel any emotions that arise in any moment. I want to feel confident that I can find my way to clarity when confused, that I can discern between people who are toxic users and gaslighters and people who I can trust. I want to live a life beyond protection and survival. I want to thrive. I want to hang out with the people I enjoy and love. I want to give because I want to give and not because I feel like I have to give or else. I want true, authentic, honest connection with people and to be happy with my own company when my people aren’t around. I want to do what I want to do and want to always know that I always do what I want to do.
My want list was what was missing. But I didn’t even know I wanted all of this because I was so focused on what I was so unhappy about. And I didn’t really get this until I was introduced to The Work of Byron Katie in 2002 when I’d been sober for 20 years. The Work provided a solid process for beginning to shift my focus from “out there” to “in here” where I finally started finding some answers.
Being introduced to IFS in therapy sessions in 2016 was a quantum leap in perspective for me. By the time I began my official IFS training in 2019, I understood some things about what had been missing and why I was missing them.
I now understood that I had survived challenging and sometimes traumatic events in my life with the help of my unconscious mind which, incredibly, has the capacity to split off from reality to protect me and keep me alive. IFS explains all of this in the language of parts and Self.
Surviving the challenges and trauma of my life kept me alive long enough to find a way to recover from those challenges and that trauma. Use of the IFS model has shown me how to explore the past by connecting with the parts who helped me survive. As I connect with my parts using the IFS model, I begin to understand what they are trying to do for me, what they are concerned about, and how they try to help.
Exploring the intentions and history of my parts and their roles helps develop trust based relationships with them. As my parts reveal themselves to me, they begin to trust me and recognize that I have the capacity to help them. What a sweet turnaround. My parts have been trying to help me all this time and now that they know who I am, now that they recognize me as my true authentic Self and realize I am not younger versions of myself that needed my help, they begin to relax and allow me to lead my life.
Until my parts recognize me, and hand control of my life back to me, I live under their influence.
Like the alcoholic, I’ve lived most of my life under the influence. I identified as an alcoholic for 35 years. I was an alcoholic who lived about 27 years of my life under the influence of alcohol or under the influence of those who lived under the influence of alcohol.
But I’ve been clean and sober for over 42 years now. I no longer live with those whose lives are influenced directly by the use of alcohol. I live under the influence of my parts.
Recovery for me means restoring my true, authentic Self. Recovery is a gradual process marked by the development of trust based relationships with my parts, updating them with the facts of my life, and providing them with fully resourced leadership so I can operate my life as my wise adult Self.
What I am recovering is my true, authentic Self. What I am recovering from are the burdens I took on to survive the challenging and sometimes traumatic events of my life.
