Mediating Internal Conflict
Recently, in a coaching group, one of my clients who I will call Carl found himself in an internal tug of war. While attempting to cope with thhe stresses of traveling and visiting family, he was annoyed with music that unceasingly played in his mind. This is all part of our IFS group coaching sessions.
I asked if he could find some curiosity about these two influences – the music playing in his mind and his annoyance with it. “Curiosity?” said Carl, ”I just want it to stop!” There it was again. The annoyance.
Now that I am trained in the IFS model, I can’t help but notice when I am being influenced by a “part” of me. And as a coach, it’s apparent when my clients are influenced by their parts.
Carl was, in fact, curious about these parts of himself – the music player and the part that was annoyed with the music player. So, I asked him to do something a little strange-to take turns speaking as if he were one of the parts.
We started with Carl’s internal DJ. Speaking directly to this music playing part of him, I asked, “What is important to you in this situation?” As the DJ, Carl answered that it was important to remain calm in the face of stressors such as travel and family. I then asked Carl’s DJ part, “What do you think should Carl do in this situation?” The DJ part said it wanted Carl to feel calm and to be soothed by the music.
“Did you know you had a part that was trying to calm you with music?” I asked Carl. He thought about it a moment and said, “Not really. I mean, it makes sense. I have music playing in my mind almost constantly. Sometimes I enjoy it, but other times it’s a real distraction and I wish it would stop. But I didn’t ever think about the music coming from an inner DJ. That’s wild!”
“Okay, I said, are you ready to hear from the annoyed part?” Carl followed my guidance as he ‘became’ the annoyed part. I asked this part of Carl the same questions.
When I asked what was important in the situation, speaking as the annoyed part, Carl said, “To survive stressful situations without overreacting and saying or doing something I will regret.” I then asked, “What should Carl do in this situation?” Carl’s annoyed part answered, “Get the music to stop because it’s causing a distraction. I need to focus on controlling how Carl reacts when he gets stressed out!”
I then asked Carl’s annoyed part, “Can you understand and appreciate what the DJ is concerned about?” “Yes,” Carl, speaking as the annoyed part answered, “it is trying to keep Carl calm but it’s having the opposite effect.” I then asked, “What concerns would Carl need to address so you could move toward a compromise with the DJ?”
As the annoyed part, Carl said, “Sometimes the music does help. But not all the time. So I’d need to be able to turn it down of off if I start feeling overwhelmed and annoyed.”
I asked Carl to shift back and take on the persona of his DJ and asked, “Can you understand and appreciate what the annoyed part is concerned about?” As the DJ, Carl answered, “Yes, he is annoyed because my music is adding stress when I intended to have it soothe and comfort.”
“What concerns would Carl need to address for you to consider a compromise?”
As the DJ, my client said he could easily turn the music down if it was too loud and would only play it when it was requested. But the DJ wanted to be able to do something if things got too stressful.
I looked up from my notes and asked Carl to return to his authentic self. “Do you understand and appreciate the positions of each of these parts of yourself?”
“Oh, yes!” he said, “I appreciate that the DJ wants to comfort and am relieved that he now understands that it isn’t always needed or wanted. And I appreciate that the annoyed part is just trying to help me cope.”
“So, what’s next Carl?” I asked. “What needs to happen now?”
“It seems like we have a solution.” He laughed. “We! This is really weird to think of myself as a ‘we,’ but it makes sense that I have parts trying to help and using different strategies. No wonder I get stuck sometimes.”
Now that Carl knows he has an inner DJ and another part that is helping cope with stress in a different way, he treats himself with more compassion. In stressful times, he thinks of these two parts and reminds them of their agreement. But mostly, he just notices that the music only plays when he wants it and that he experiences far less annoyance.
What about you? Do you have opposing parts that could use some mediation? Do you find yourself at odds with yourself?
Long before I learned about IFS, I thought of myself as ‘us’ and would sometimes refer to myself as ‘we.’ Occasionally I noticed how odd this sounded and felt embarrassed about it. IFS helps me understand that who I am is my authentic self- who I have always been and always will be – and that I have parts who are trying their best to help. Most of the time they really do help – as my authentic self I can’t accomplish much in life without them. But when they are burdened by the unresolved past, their strategies for helping or staying safe feel childish and ineffective. Now it makes sense that I sometimes feel childish when I feel hurt, scared, offended, or overwhelmed. And it makes so much sense that my reactions to circumstances sometimes feel childish. The strategies employed by parts whose perspective is distorted by the unresolved past were developed when I was young and under-resourced.
Using the IFS model with coaching strategies, my clients and I update our outdated parts and learn to live as our authentic and fully resourced selves.
Read another related article:
