How Satisfied are you in Life?
If you’re not satisfied with your life, don’t give up. What if you could change aspects of your life that you’re dissatisfied with?
I’ve always believed that if it is possible for others to be happy and fulfilled, it is possible for everyone.
When you give up on the possibility of change, you settle for a life that you may not really want. Some of us complain loudly and blame others and circumstances for a life we’re dissatisfied with, convinced that what is out of our control determines how satisfied we are in life. Others suffer silently, quietly enduring a life they believe they have no power to change.
If you believe change isn’t possible for you, what other choice is there?
But why do we need to change in the first place? I don’t need to change. Neither do you. But if you are going to be happy and fulfilled, your perspective will need to change.
Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Painful things happen in life. When they do, we can fully process the experience and learn from it. But if we don’t know how or if it isn’t safe to do so, we don’t fully process painful experiences. The pain gets stuck in us.
To cope with the pain, we formulate strategies to make sure that what caused the pain doesn’t happen again. And when those strategies fail and we feel the same kind of pain again, we develop strategies to regain control.
I spent decades of my life trying to change external circumstances. I left relationships, changed jobs and careers, moved to new cities and states, and changed cars every couple of years.
But after the distraction and drama of making these external changes died down, I still felt dissatisfied. Like the old saying goes, “Wherever I go, there I am.”
After my first wife died of a brain tumor, I quickly remarried. The new marriage was a struggle for me, for her, and for the kids. We endured the unworkable arrangement for nine years together until I left.
I knew something was off inside me. I was afraid if I didn’t figure it out, I would repeat the same painful mistake. I felt desperate and went to therapy to get some help.
After a couple of years, I was introduced to The Work of Byron Katie. By doing The Work, I began to learn how to reduce my suffering by managing my mental and emotional states.
About six years ago I was introduced to the idea that many of my thoughts and emotions are distorted by the past.
Now I know that real, sustainable, and permanent change is possible. Using the Internal Family Systems model, my perspective has changed. Byron Katie taught me how to question my thoughts. IFS teaches me to get curious about the origins of those thoughts.
As a Results Coach, I am in a perpetual state of self-discovery. Before I offer a particular kind of support to my coaching clients, I try it out for myself. The results are in. We don’t have to try to change the world to have a life we can be satisfied with.
It is so much easier to find a nice comfortable pair of hiking boots than it would be to carpet the world to protect my feet. And it makes so much more sense to change me, rather than trying to change what I have no power over - everyone and everything else.
By using the IFS model, I have discovered that at our essence, as our true authentic selves, we have the resources and qualities needed for a life of happiness and fulfillment.
What stands in the way of access to these qualities and resources are the strategies we developed to adapt to painful past experiences. I use IFS to help my coaching clients update the parts of their minds that are the source of these adaptive strategies. When my clients get, at an unconscious level, that these strategies are no longer needed, their responses to life are far more conducive to a happy and harmonious life.
To learn more about the IFS model, go to www.IFS-Institute.com. If you’re ready to get some help to access the resources and qualities of your authentic Self, you will find a directory of therapists and practitioners there.
