Changing the Cycle

Pexels: Feyzullah Kilincarslan

What is preventing you from already having the result you desire? You may have some working theories about this that point to circumstances and conditions out of your control. Or maybe you have decided that you just aren’t the kind of person that can have the kind of life you want.

The reason you don’t already have the result you desire is that you are locked into a cycle that makes it impossible to have that result.

The cycle is generated and perpetuated by your internal family of managers, firefighters, and exiles. They are all doing their jobs.

Imagine working in a buggy whip factory at the turn of the 20th century. The company you work for manufactures the finest leather buggy whips in a variety of styles and lengths. Sales are through the roof and the company you work for can’t keep up with demand. You’re proud of the work you do and take great pleasure in seeing buggy and wagon drivers using the buggy whips you made.

But then, Henry Ford begins to mass-produce buggies that don’t need horses. The Model T replaces the horse-drawn carriage practically overnight. The demand for buggy whips drops to practically nothing. The products you manufacture are no longer needed.

The factory can no longer afford to continue to manufacture buggy whips and soon goes out of business. Many of your peers go to work for Henry Ford. But you refuse to let go. You and some like-minded co-workers find a way into the shuttered factory and continue doing your jobs even though it no longer makes sense to do so.

There’s no paycheck, no appreciation for your fine work, no need for your products. But it’s all you know how to do, so you persevere.

Who would do such a thing? You would have to be insane! Right? But what if your mind was locked in the past? What if, no matter what changed in the world, your perspective remained fixed? What if, for you, every day was Groundhog Day?

That is how it is for some of your parts. From their fixed perspective, there is still a need for their services. Parts that have been exiled, and left holding your unresolved hurts, fears, and beliefs are frozen in the past and react to present circumstances as if nothing has changed.

Other parts, managers, organized around the unresolved hurts, fears, and beliefs, work hard to prevent the exiles from getting upset. Firefighters, work to restore order when the exiles become agitated, hurt, or scared.

They are as blind to current reality as the people watching the shadows cast on the wall by the fire blazing behind them in Plato’s Cave.

In the allegory "The Cave", Plato describes a group of people who have lived chained to the wall of a cave all their lives, facing a blank wall. The people watch shadows projected on the wall from objects passing in front of a fire behind them and give names to these shadows. Trying to get them to see reality is futile. The men in Plato’s Cave will only accept current reality when they see it for themselves. (Wikipedia)

The parts that keep us locked into unworkable, disempowering, and dysfunctional cycles are doing the best they can without appreciation. They are operating from a distorted perspective and will continue to do their jobs until they can somehow be updated with current reality.

These parts react to the circumstances of your life and to each other. Something happens in your external world and your parts react to it from their past-based perspective. Under the influence of these parts, you react. You experience body sensations and impulses. Under their influence you have thoughts and feel emotions. You speak and act under the influence of your well-meaning but outdated parts.

Self-Led Results Example.

The following story combines the experiences of several of my clients into a fictional story. No part of this example

Joey and Larry are in a committed relationship. The honeymoon has been over for a few years now and neither can remember why the other seemed like such a catch. They both want intimacy and connection and blame the other for the distance between them.

Larry is in a Self-Led Results group. The Keyword for his Self-Led Project is Connection. The result he desires is, “I feel connected with my partner and enjoy a satisfying intimate relationship with him.” The problem his Self-Led Project tries to solve is disconnection in his partnership with Joey.

Larry describes a situation which illustrates his frustration.

“This morning, after Joey and I argued last night, I got up early. I couldn’t sleep. When I heard Joey moving around in the bedroom, I started putting together a nice breakfast. I know food is Joey’s love language and thought this would be a great way to make up with him. But when Joey came out of the bedroom, he was dressed for work. He wouldn’t even look at me. He ignored the breakfast I had prepared, grabbed a cup of coffee, said he didn’t have time to eat, and left for the day.”

As Larry told this story, he began to feel upset again. Although he and Joey were on speaking terms by the time he showed up for the group coaching session, nothing had really been settled. Larry was in the habit of silently blaming Joey when things weren’t going well, and held a grudge until Joey showed some kindness.

Of course, this rarely happened. Joey usually felt wronged and was too upset to be willing to try to make things right.

Both Joey and Larry were stuck in cycles that prevented them from getting what they wanted. But there was hope. If one of them could break out of the cycle that produced unhappy results, their relationship could improve immediately.

Larry took the next step in the Self-Led Results process and detailed the stages of the cycle he was stuck in.

1.       Joey and I argue about something

2.       I can’t sleep

3.       I worry about Joey leaving me

4.       I do something to get him to like me again

5.       He ignores me and refuses to talk with me

6.       I try to give him space

7.       Eventually I blow up at him

8.       He withdraws even more

9.       I chase him and apologize, taking full responsibility for our conflict

10.   He finally softens and we make up until we argue again

When Larry explored more deeply, he discovered parts that influenced his thoughts, feelings, and actions in each stage of the cycle. He realized that these parts were long overdue for an update.

Using the IFS model, I coached Larry through the process of updating his parts and enrolling them in his new vision; to feel connected with his partner and to enjoy a satisfying intimate relationship with him.

Once updated, most of his parts were relieved to learn that Larry is older than they thought and is no longer suffering or powerless like he was when he was younger.

Larry continued to pay attention to the old cycle and when he recognized he was back in it, he paused and spent time addressing the concerns and needs of his parts.

Now that his parts trust him, they can relax, even when Joey is upset or says something hurtful. Thanks to this trust, his parts allow Larry to show up as his wise, adult Self. He is fully resourced and provides leadership to his inner family as he interacts with Joey.