Boundary Setting

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The Challenge with Setting Boundaries

Gerald was waiting for me when I signed on to Zoom for our coaching session. He dispensed with the warm-up greetings and got right down to business.

“Tell me about boundaries,” he said. There was something in his demeanor that told me he felt frustrated.

“Okay. Well, hmm. Can you give me some context? What is it about boundaries you want to talk about?” I asked. 

“What are they? How do you get them? What do you do with them once you have them? How do I honor them?” he spit out, air-quoting the word, ‘honor.’”

“Let’s slow it down Gerald,” I suggested. “What has happened?”

“We had another meeting with HR this week,” he began. “This time they wanted to talk with us about healthy boundaries. They were talking about things like giving people their own space and respecting each other. Apparently someone got their feelings hurt and I think the company is worried about a lawsuit.”

‘Healthy boundaries’ got the air quotes this time.

“You seem a little upset by this,” I observed.

“I am!” he said. “It’s like they were accusing me, I mean us of something and I have no idea what I, I mean we might have done.”

“No idea?” Something told me he had some idea.

“It might be the new guy I suppose.”

I waited.

“There’s a new guy. He just irritates me. He’s just so…friendly.” Gerald stopped talking. He was thinking. I waited. “I think I probably got a little irritated with him when he came into my office for the umteenth time to ask me another dumb question. I’ve got things to do and every time he came in, I had to stop what I was doing so I just told him I didn’t have all the answers and to go ask someone else. I could tell he was surprised. But it worked. He stopped interrupting me. Problem solved.”

“But you’re talking about it with me in our coaching session so what is the problem that isn’t solved?” I asked.

“I think the company wants me to be really productive but they also want me to drop everything to be nice to the new guy, or to stop working and go sing happy-frickin-birthday in the break room two or three times a month. And then there’s all these stupid worthless boring meetings. I just want to do my job. I’d be a lot happier if they would just leave me alone and let me focus on work.”

Gerald started our conversation asking me about boundaries. He seemed to feel blamed for how things were going and pressured to change.

“You asked me to tell you about boundaries Gerald. What are you hoping understanding boundaries will accomplish?” I asked.

He thought about my question. After a pause, he answered, “If I knew about boundaries, maybe I’d know how to get along better with people. I can’t seem to escape them. There are people everywhere. And maybe HR would get off my back. And maybe I could start setting some boundaries of my own!”

“If you could set a boundary at work, what would it be?” I asked.

“First thing I’d do? I’d close my door so I could get something done. Then I’d say no thanks to birthdays. I’d learn how to leave work after I had my eight hours in. And I’d stop taking work home with me,” Gerald answered.

“How did that feel Gerald?” I asked.

“How did what feel?”

“How did it feel to declare what you want?” I clarified.

“Great! That’s what I want! But..” he ended his sentence.

“But?”

“But I don’t know how to set those boundaries. What? Do I just shut my door and stop going to the breakroom for birthdays and walk out after eight hours and stop taking work home with me?” He seemed to want me to understand just how ridiculous this all sounded.

“What stops you from doing all that?” I asked.

“People would think I wasn’t friendly. They’d talk about me behind my back. I might get fired.” he answered.

“So, you want people to think you are friendly but you don’t want to be friendly. You don’t want people to talk about you behind your back so you do what they want instead of what you want. You don’t want to get fired but you also don’t want to work more than eight hours a day and you don’t want to take work home with you. These are all Gerald problems. These aren’t work problems.” I said.

I could see Gerald was uncomfortable and maybe a little angry with me, but he was paying attention so I continued.

“Clearly there are problems at work. But I’m not sure how many of these problems are actually being caused by work. Work situations challenge you because they cause inner conflict for you. Notice the parts of you that get triggered at work. There’s a part that wants people to like you. But there’s a part that is impatient and irritated with people and that part stops you from being friendly. Right?” I asked.

“Right. And there’s a part of me that doesn’t want people to talk about me behind my back and a part that is angry when they do.” Gerald continued, “There’s a part of me that resents working past eight hours a day and taking work home, but another part that thinks they expect me to and worries I will get fired if I don’t”

“And that is the hard thing about setting your own boundaries isn’t it Gerald?” I asked. “You have parts inside that are conflicted so you don’t set boundaries until you’re so frustrated that people are offended or hurt because your inner conflict spills out on them.”

“I get it. If I can resolve my inner conflict, I can practice negotiating for what I want and don’t want at work,” Gerald concluded. “So let’s get to work.”

“Great!” I said, “Which of these parts needs your attention first?”

Using the IFS model (Internal Family Systems @ www.IFS-Institute.com) I helped Gerald explore the concerns of each of his conflicted parts over the next few sessions. Gradually, Gerald realized that his career choices had been broadly influenced by aspects of his unresolved past. Once we addressed the concerns of each of his conflicted parts and helped them resolve the past, he regained access to inner resources that had been blocked. He stepped back into his wise adult Self when younger, less resourced versions were able to relax and let him run his adult life.

Not surprisingly, Gerald starting noticing opportunities in other industries that seemed more aligned with his interests and preferences. He also began practicing new communication techniques which helped him be more direct and honest with people around him. I helped him establish crystal clarity about what he did and didn’t want in his career. This clarity helped him recognize when boundaries were and were not needed.