Maladaptive Relationship Tendencies
The Maladaptive Relationship Tendencies Assessment was adapted from a list of characteristics included in Dr. Robert A. Glover’s book, “No More Mr. Nice Guy.” Glover discovered that he was a “Nice Guy” who was simply trying to do the best he could in relationships with women but failing to experience true connection.
He learned the problem with the strategies he employed was that they were based in fear. And fear tends to create disconnection; the exact opposite of what he deeply craved.
One day in a non-gender specific coaching group, I decided to do a quick survey and learned that the characteristics that Glover wrote about in his book for men applied to all gender identities and expressions, not just men.
Relationships can feel dangerous
In other words, relationships can be scary for all of us! And of course, that makes sense. Our earliest and deepest emotional wounds occur in early childhood as we are forming ideas about who we are and who we must be. But what was surprising was that the same tendencies that showed up in what Glover called “nice guys” shows up in a lot of people regardless of gender.
If, as a child, you showed up naturally and authentically in a way but received negative feedback from a caretaker, you may have begun to learn that it was dangerous to simply be who you are. You learned to be careful. If this happened often enough; if you were hurtfully criticized for simply being yourself, you began to form a negative self-image.
Survival Strategies
This is how we form our survival strategies. We hide what we are afraid might invite more of this kind of painful feedback. When become vigilant and careful. We learn what kind of behavior invites praise and approval instead and try to get better at placating, people pleasing, and performing.
These strategies make perfect sense in an environment where authenticity is punished, and performance is rewarded. They are adaptations to growing up in dysfunction which includes a broad range of abuse and neglect. These survival strategies are common in families where there is addiction such as those experienced by members of the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) and CoDependents Anonymous 12-step programs.
But after we have survived the dysfunction and are no longer subject to the shaming feedback and dysfunction of childhood, the same strategies that helped us survive no longer serve us. They have become maladaptive.
The Maladaptive Relationship Tendencies Assessment describes some but certainly not all strategies you may have learned growing up. For example, the assessment doesn’t include strategies that are more aggressive and overtly controlling such as gaslighting and bullying; strategies you may have had modeled by a dominating caretaker.
Time for an update
For most of us, these strategies are no longer necessary, yet they persist. Parts of ourselves haven’t gotten the update that we’re no longer children and can let go of our maladaptive strategies. To get that update, you may need to connect with these young parts and establish a relationship between them and the wise adult version of yourself.
The Internal Family Systems model (IFS) is the perfect tool to achieve this. Schedule a 20-minute zoom meeting with me to learn more about how IFS coaching can help.
I hope you enjoyed this article and got something of value out of it. I wrote many of my articles before I discovered the Internal Family Systems model and started using IFS in my Spokane, Washington coaching practice.
So now, any strategies that I discussed in the past can be supercharged when we also take into account the principles of the IFS model which include:
Self - which is in the IFS model who you are - your True Self
IFS Coaches use the IFS model to help their clients make changes and get results
I have created an IFS Workbook to help my clients get lasting results
Although I trained with IFS Therapists, I am not a therapist myself. I am an IFS Practitioner and can be considered an IFS Coach which means I can coach you on how to use the IFS model. And I can use IFS in my coaching to help you get the results you want.
