Changing Frank using IFS
Frank has been married for 12 years. He and his wife Mary have a 10-year old daughter. Frank was referred to me by a therapist who knew I used the Internal Family Systems model (IFS) as a life coach. She had been working with Mary for several months and recognized Frank would benefit from a results-focused approach.
When I first met with Frank, he told me that it was difficult to talk with his wife openly and honestly about his thoughts and feelings. This was a problem for his wife Mary, so it was a problem for him. They were in a cycle that created the opposite of what they both wanted, which was to be close and intimate.
Frank wanted to break out of his pattern of poor communication and withdrawal from Mary. No matter how hard he tried to be open and honest with her, something inside stopped him. He was frustrated with himself and afraid his marriage would fail. He loved his wife and didn’t want to lose the connection with his daughter.
Frank’s fear of honest disclosure showed up at work too. In fact, when we began to work together, his employer had eliminated his position and he was looking for new opportunities. He suspected that he had somehow sabotaged his success at work.
I asked Frank to tell me about the life he wanted. I asked him to think of at least one change or improvement he wanted to make in his life in each of four categories: Career, Relationships, Well-being, and Fun and Joy.
He found it relatively easy to think of the changes he wanted to make. In fact, he identified 10 changes he would make if he only knew how.
Like so many of my clients, Frank didn’t believe he was capable of change. He had read stacks of self-help and self-improvement books. Sometimes he had brief periods of success but soon realized he didn’t have the bandwidth to put in the continuous vigilance and effort to sustain the change.
This left him feeling frustrated and defeated. He had all but given up on change when Mary started going to therapy. This scared him. Although he had decided to settle for the life he had with Mary and their daughter, it was clear that Mary was unhappy. He knew things would have to change but was afraid he wouldn’t be able to sustain the effort he thought it would take to change enough.
I asked Frank to pick just one change to focus on during our coaching sessions. He chose learning how to be more open and honest with Mary. We used the Self-Led Results coaching program which I designed to leverage the power of the IFS model for results and it worked.
Frank and I worked together to identify the cycle that produced the results he was getting and used the IFS model to break out of that cycle. Along the way Frank learned a lot about the inner conflict that resulted in his poor communication and inability to get close to his wife.
Thanks to the work he did, Frank is a new man. He reports that his relationship with his wife has improved and they are on solid footing. His communication is more open and connecting. He also tells me that the changes seemed to take on a life of their own. He doesn’t have to invest himself in trying to be different – he has changed from the inside out.
Frank’s success has also helped him at work where he is now recognized and valued as a leader in his industry. Seems his more transparent and connecting communication style puts those he works with at ease.
The first step in the Self-Led Results process is identifying changes and improvements the client would like to make if they only knew how to with the help of an IFS practitioner. I help them couple the change they want to a problem the change would solve for them. Then I help them craft an Aspirational Result Statement for each change.
Next we measure the level of challenge each desired result will present before the client chooses a single project (referred to as their Self-Led Project) to focus on until they achieve the desired result. Each potential project is rated with a Challenge Score ranging from 9 (low difficulty) to 45 (high difficulty).
Frank had identified 10 potential projects with Challenge scores ranging from 26 to 43. Frank’s project had a Challenge Score of 43 when he began. When he finished his project, the Challenge Score had dropped to 15.
Before Frank chose his next project he reviewed the other nine potential projects and found that with one exception, the Challenge Scores had dropped as much as 50%. Because of the work he had done breaking up the cycle of his Self-Led Project, there were collateral benefits across the board.
