A Sermon on the Ground

In a recent IFS coaching session, one of my clients discovered a little girl inside who often found herself suffering through hours of church sermons while daydreaming about playing outside in the sun or rain.

On a whim, I asked her to do some homework and she agreed without knowing what it would be.

“What if,”  I asked, “you could write your own sermon? What would you have to say?”

The next week, my client read me her homework. I loved it so much I asked if I could share it on my blog and in my newsletter. She mailed it to me and gave me permission to share it anonymously with you.

I have homework. After “camplaigning” endlessly about “the church that done me wrong song,” my coach gave me an assignment. Write a sermon – an “affirmin” sermon to be exact. I laughed. I tried. Maybe twenty times.

I gave up. I couldn’t find much more to say after the Ten Commandments, The Sermon on the Mount, and Eight Breathtaking Beatitudes.

So, I decided not to do my homework.

That lasted four days.

Then, it occurred to me that I notice stuff. Lots of stuff. Everyday stuff.

So, I wrote some observations from a “Sermon on the Ground” perspective. There are 20 of them. With TITLES.  The Titles made them sound much more dignified and important.

Anyway, here they are…in random order, just for the fun of it.

Lessons – “A Sermon on the Ground” or my “Be-Attitudes”

1.      Playground Etiquette

Don’t let your swing get rusty. This is a major cause of high blood pressure and constipation.

2.      Health Foods

Spinach and kale are war weapons. They keep you grumpy or make you righteous…the very seeds for bombing each other to death.

3.      Stay Sexy

We function best when lubricated, not intoxicated. If you must drink, swallow Grace and the 12 steps will take care of themselves.

4.      Take a Hayride

This is Home for cows, pigs, horses, mice, and myriad other critters. This is also known as “resting on your laurels…”

5.      Get a Coach

Coaches are especially effective with cerebral popcorn mania, so we remember we’re not the movie, but the one who purchased a ticket to watch…

They also understand that all detours will take you home if they are loved and appreciated along the way.

It’s an honor system kind of thing.

6.      The A.T.M.

The Automated Truth Machine  is a Fort Knox of Self-revelation. You can make withdrawals anytime, anywhere, any situation… 24/ seven. It especially loves the middle of the night when you thought you were done banking.

7.      Love Your Neighbor as Yourself

This is a very dangerous commandment. It means you will do unto someone else what you do to yourself. This scares the hell out of me.

8.      The Abundant Universe

We know it’s summer when an infinite supply and number of road crews appear and successfully block every possible path to your destination.

9.      Tiptoe Through the Tulips

If you fall going upstairs, the floor will rise up to meet you. This is especially helpful when you’ve had trouble genuflecting.

10.  I.F.S. Wisdom

I.F.S. stands for Internal Family Systems. It says that you have an internal family that pretty much matches what you see and hear on TV, newspapers, movies, and general gossip. This is good practice for those we will meet in heaven…

11.  Environmental Hygiene

Never pull your neighbor’s weeds. They will insist on taking residence in your own yard where they were firmly rooted in the first place.

12.  Mental Flushes

Floss your thoughts daily. This keeps you limber and flexible. It also prevents cavities from growing in your soul.

13.  Arthur Murray Tip

Hold your own frame while dancing. This practice stops you from crushing your partner’s toes.

14.  Precautions

Don’t fasten your seat belt when it is safe to move around freely. This is particularly helpful if you haven’t yet left the ground.

15.  Eternity

A dandelion is its own testimony for everlasting life. It’s part of a sublime, sacred incubator system that never, never, never fails.

16.  Weather Report

The reason we have wind is because Holiness wiggles. A single gust can cause a seed to travel for miles…so you’ll never know who you hit.

17.  Choir Practice or Who Stole my Lullaby?

There is an African Tribe that gathers together to create a song for a mother’s unborn baby. They sing the song at birth and all significant events of his life. If he commits a crime, they don’t throw him in prison. Rather, they gather around him and sing his song so he can remember who he is.

18.  Reverence

If you find yourself in a puddle of bliss… take a knee and stay there.

19.  Nuclear Threat

You don’t need a gun in your holster if you don’t have murder on your mind. Therefore, it’s good to notice thoughts but not eat them.

20.  The Snow White Plot

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” Now…go find a mirror, look at yourself, and stay there until you can stand the applause…

P.S.

Next time you get “grounded” say: “Thank you, God,  I’ve been waiting for this all my life…”

P.P.S.

If you’ve put your thoughts / stories through reframes, turn-arounds, updates, consciousness shifts, meditation, and prayer, you find yourself wondering “who the hell started that rumor in the first place?!”

Well, that’s it. Be brief, Be blunt, and Be gone.

Next week’s sermon is entitled: “The Dreaded ‘F’ word” if you care to return.

Amen

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