You Make Me Feel

Hi, my name is Bill Tierney. I'm a results coach and an IFS practitioner certified by the IFS Institute. I want to talk today about this idea that someone can make you feel a particular way. I just had a conversation with a prospective new client who read an article that I wrote and she saw that I'd written about how to repair a rupture in a relationship and she was inspired to reach out to me and see what she could learn about how I might be able to help her learn to have a better relationship with her partner.

And I heard her say a couple of different times, that this person made her feel a particular way. And so I asked her if we could pause and just look at that idea that it's possible for someone to actually make you feel a particular way. What I told her was high level, first thing, it's not possible.

It's not possible for someone actually to make you feel a particular way. That's your job. [And] what I mean by that is that what I feel is what I'm responsible for. What I feel happens because of how I see and perceive and understand what's actually happening in the moment. I have an internal emotional reaction to something that's happening out there. And it certainly looks like what's happening out there caused what's happening in here to happen. But in fact, if we slow it down, that's not really what happens at all.

Otherwise, everybody could go see Inside Out 2, for example. I just went to see that with my grandkids this weekend and my daughter and her husband, and they'd have the same reaction to that movie.

It was a fellow coach that I was talking to that said he was reading the reviews on the movie and it got like a 92 on Rotten Tomatoes, but there were several critics that just didn't like the movie at all. So there's all these different opinions about the movie. My grandkids were there with my 32-year-old daughter and her 32-year-old husband as we were watching this movie. And we're all having different reactions at different points in the movie. At one point, I'm laughing boisterously, and when I look over, nobody else is laughing.

At another point, I look over and the kids are both crying. Anyhow, all these different reactions. And so if it's what's happening out there, that would cause me to feel or us to feel something in here, then shouldn't we all be feeling exactly the same thing? And apparently we weren't. And of course, we've all got situations like that where we're with someone who's having an emotional reaction and we're not having that emotional reaction and yet we're both in the same experience together.

So how do we explain that? How is it that I can have a different emotional reaction than someone else that's in the same room having the same experience that I am? Well, first of all, they're actually not having the same experience. They're viewing the experience through a different lens than I'm viewing the same experience.

Their lens is informed by their past. My lens is informed by my past and the meanings that I've attached to what has happened in the past. The meanings I attach to what happens in my life form the lens through which I view all future events until that lens has been cleaned up. Another way to say that is if something has happened in the past, that was significant enough to have me form a belief around it, or if that event supports what I've already decided is true, then that deepens the belief.

And that belief is what forms the lens through which I view other similar things in the future. And so I'm going to have my reaction according to what I believe. What would be an example of that? Let's go back to the example of what I was telling you about in this conversation from this morning. He made me feel.

He did this thing. And then I felt that way. Someone else might view him doing that thing and not at all feel the same way, whether it's because they're not in a relationship with him or because whatever it is that he did was not a trigger for them. So what there is to do is rather than get the other person to change so that we can feel differently than we feel, is we can begin to get curious about what's happening inside.

We can begin to get curious about the emotions that we feel, the thoughts that we have, the impulses that we feel, and the actions that we take as a result of someone saying or doing a particular thing, or as a result of an event occurring and unfolding in front of us. If we want to feel different, getting the world to change is a whole lot more work than going inside and getting curious about what's happening in here.

And bringing our attention inside actually begins to change what's happening in here, because the more that we can know about ourselves and understand ourselves, the more power we can claim, and the more we focus out there trying to change what's happening out there, the more power we lose. And this isn't all just about power.

But without power, we lose choice. We lose the ability to affect the changes and have the life that we want to have. So I guess the lesson for today is it's not true that others can make us feel a particular way. And equally, it's not true that we can make others feel any particular way that they feel.

They're responsible for how they feel. I'm responsible for how I feel. I can trigger you and you might feel something because I've—because something I've said or done has triggered something inside of you. And even that I'm not especially responsible for if I'm consciously aware that I say or do a particular thing and that you're going to have a particular reaction.

I've got some responsibility there, but there's a difference. Do you see this? There's a difference between knowing that if I say or do a certain thing, you're going to have a reaction and that's predictable. I'm responsible for knowing that that's going to happen. That's called manipulation.

That's called trying to control another person or simply being so self-centered that I'm not taking into account how another person might react to what I say or do. But that's not what we're talking about here. What we're talking about is whatever that is, regardless of—let's say I'm the one that's on the outside and you're reacting to me—regardless of anything that I might say or do that triggers you, ultimately, once it gets in, it gets in and then you feel and think the way you feel and think and then you do what you do or don't do.

According to your own programming, and you're responsible for that programming, you can actually change it. You're the one that programmed it in the first place, and you can actually unprogram it, and it's not like you're going to layer over with a new program. I mean, you can try that. That's what affirmations are all about: take this old thought and put another one in front of it that's more powerful.

But what I'm suggesting is that instead, we might take the old thought or the old belief, and look at it. And when we look at it, realize it's really not even valid anymore. Sometimes that's what we notice when we look at it. And once we've noticed that it's not valid anymore, it kind of goes away.

And when it goes away, it's not that we need now to replace it with another belief. In fact, what happens is when an old belief is seen as no longer relevant or valid or never was true, now it goes away. And what emerges is the truth. And when the truth emerges, you have freedom.

And you have power again. You're back to choice again. So there's my vlog for the day. I hope you enjoyed it. And if you have any questions, please reach out. If you have any comments, please reach out. This might have stirred up some stuff for you. I hope so.