Solving the Nice Girl Problem
Several of my female clients have read my articles about Nice Guys and have asked if I have a plan to write any articles about Nice Girls. One particular client, Gosha from the UK offered to write an article that addresses this codependency paradigm from her particular prespective. Her article follows.
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio
Solving the Nice Girl Problem
by Gosha Jacewicz
I have been working with Bill who has been coaching me over the past three years using the Internal Family Systems model (IFS). This approach focuses on the idea that our minds are not singular but consist of an internal system of multiple “parts” or sub-personalities, each with its own beliefs, feelings, and desires. Bill`s ability to hold space, show compassion and empathy to the most wounded parts have inspired my personal transformation journey. In combination with the IFS model, I gained self-awareness and courage to face my past.
When I came across his article “Solving the Nice Guy Problem” my Internal Family System “parts” paused for a moment and a thought popped into my mind: “Hold on, what about solving the nice girl problem?”
What the nice girl wants
My Internal Family System has approximately 100 “parts” or sub-personalities that emerged in my mind throughout my life when I experienced trauma. These sub-personalities that I love dearly, have helped me to cope and deal with difficult psychosocial situations. These wise “parts” have figured out the challenges that the “nice girl parts” face and what they want:
My parts have suffered for most of my life under the pressure from society, from the gender system called male and female, a structure of inequality where one is up the other down fulfilling the requisite for perpetual imbalance of power that drives the relationship to play out power games where male privilege dominates the arena. My parts have been drenched and thoroughly soaked by this toxic patriarchal ideology that assumes men have the right to occupy any space or person by whatever means with or without permission. The parts that identify themselves as female developed beliefs that stifled growth, development, and the ability to speak up for themselves. Here are just few examples:
I am nothing without men, their needs are more important than mine. To survive I need to stay put and show admiration.
I can’t accept who I am because men don’t give me positive validation.
I am unlucky because I was born a female. I will never get what I want because I am not a man.
It’s OK to be disrespected, scapegoated, and victimised when I don’t give men what they want.
Being pretty and smart is dangerous, look ugly and act dumb. Being over-weight is ugly, being over-weight is safe.
I am not worthy of connection because I am an object of sexual attention. I am visible but not seen.
People hate me for who I am.
I am a freak that doesn’t belong anywhere.
I will never succeed because I do not play by the gender rules.
I am worthless because I do not meet expectations of men.
These beliefs have led me to act as follows:
Supress, limit, and control my needs rather than speak up for myself.
Act small by internally criticising and bullying myself.
Be embarrassed about wanting my needs to be met.
Convincing myself that being a nice girl doesn’t have to be a big challenge if I learn to put others needs ahead of my own, be approachable, courteous, and respectful and be a good listener. Being a proper Lady by showing an interest in what men say and do, rather than being distracted by my own thoughts and interests.
I only allowed myself to talk about things that are acceptable by men, laughing about their sexist jokes and prompts to flirt.
I only spoke with a lovely voice and fall in line when men give me the signal to start acting small and insignificant.
I acted out on the expectations from a female. I only wanted to be well-mannered, nurturing, and gentle, polite, graceful, charming, and restrained.
I knew what was appropriate and how to act when submitting to control. Whilst always looking for approval from men because I knew I shouldn’t make my own decisions.
My nice girl parts accepted the dominance and control that led them to believe that being knocked down every time they speak, ignoring their needs, and hating themselves for it was truly what they really wanted.
What they do to get what they want
With the help of my nice girl parts, I went through a great deal of effort to ensure that they are knocked down every time they speak to a man. In fact, they acted like they truly enjoyed it and demonstrate it with a little giggle at the end of every sentence. To get what I thought I wanted I spoke in lovely high-pitched voices that made me look trivial, insignificant, and stupid. I never looked men straight in the eye, always dropping gaze showing respect to the abuse, dropping shoulders, and making myself look small. I would always ensure that I kept quiet and that I do not have wild, dangerous opinions of my own.
My nice girl parts influenced me in the past to always complement men, empower them, please them with agreeableness and get utter contempt in return. They internalised the misogyny and reminded themselves every day that they don’t belong, and certainly don’t deserve anything that is not approved by the authority of patriarchy.
It doesn’t work
The act of subjugation that my nice girl parts accepted, the internalisation of not being equal and powerful, being constantly sexually objectified led to constant self-monitoring. This in turn created a state of self-consciousness that bred feelings of depression, shame, and anxiety. Lifelong exposure to microaggressions that maintain the status quo ultimately led to insidious trauma.
The nice girl parts accepted treatment from men that was hurtful, degrading, physically and emotionally painful, and that caused an avalanche of distressing feelings.
The fallout
Internalised self-punishment derives gratification from one's own pain. My nice girl parts went a long way to maintain the bondage that made me very disciplined in complying with dominance and submission. I believed that I was experiencing pleasure and happiness in response to denial of my identity and humiliation. The double life eventually catches up and the avalanche of supressed needs cracks the mountain. Suicide and freedom go hand in hand as a means of ending the suffering carefully crafted by the exertion of dominance.
The wound
Deep down inside every one of my nice girl parts there was a mirror part that wanted to have it all. Denied of identity and being the creator of own destiny, objectified and scapegoated, we crossed the threshold to subjugation. I accepted that I will be Never good enough and therefore my sole purpose in life was to become a punch bag for the nice guy.
The secret must be told!
The truth is that every woman can have it all when she stops being nice to men and starts loving herself, becomes self-aware and assertive.
Solving the nice girl problem
For my Internal Family System solving the “nice girl” problem has been a journey of self-discovery, learning that I am a hidden gem and letting the nice guys know that they must not make their problems my problems.
The day I started to speak up for myself and standing up to abuse, I discovered that joy lives within me. I am joy. I am laughter, I am love, I am safe because I love myself. I can give myself what I need. I am a gift; I am here to give and to receive. The world benefits from me being here because I am unique, one of a kind. I am strong, powerful, tenacious, sublime, independent and courageous. I am fascinated and excited to explore what opportunities open for me and my Internal Family System as I enjoy creating and inventing future for MYSELF.
If you would like to explore with me beliefs of your “nice girl parts” and get to know your system get in touch via e-mail gosha.jacewicz@gmail.com or WhatsApp me on +44 7521 755 088.
Here are links to other related articles you will find in my blog.
Recovering from Nice Guy Syndrome
If I’m a Nice Guy, I’ll Get Love, Approval, and Appreciation
