A Two-fold Path to Confidence
As a younger man, I often noticed others who exuded confidence. I wanted what they had but had no idea how to get it. They seemed to be sure of themselves and expressed their confidence in the way they dressed, the tone and tempo of their voices, the language they used and their ability to spin a story.
In a recent interview on Not Your Typical Leadership Coaching, a podcast I cohost with Dr. Martin Kettelhut (I call him Marty, others call him Doc), the topic was confidence.
Hans Phillips
Our guest was Hans Phillips, a Performance Consultant who has been guiding people to presence and purpose over the past three decades. Hans is a respected mentor who demonstrates a commitment to healing, balance, and growth in his own life.
Hans practices a daily routine of self-care which includes an hour of exercise, 15 yoga stretches, 250 Kegel exercises, breathwork, meditation, sauna, hot tub, cold plunge, a protein shake and 60 minutes in the massage chair. This daily rigor focuses and clarifies his being and keeps him integrated, connected, healthy, and at peace.
Martin Kettelhut
Marty has been helping leaders find purpose and develop deep listening skills for over 25 years. He has a morning routine that includes swimming and meditating. This routine addresses just what he tells his clients; that confidence is their natural state and that ‘lack of confidence’ indicates being caught up in self-doubt, indecision, people-pleasing, et al THINKING. He guides clients who want confidence to align with self (as in self-care of body, mind, and spirit/soul) and align with Self (as in connect their Higher Power, practice Witness-consciousness, seek Self-realization), to gain confidence.
In a recent newsletter he stated, “The first three hours of my day include i) meditation, ii) "creating the day" in my journal, and iii) exercise. What's been most transformative--i.e. displaced frustration, cynicism, and the desire to numb out--is balancing the morning routine with i) stretching, ii) journaling to "complete the day," and iiii) meditating in the evening.”
If you would like to learn more about Marty’s morning routine, visit him at https://www.listeningisthekey.com/
Routines
Listening to these two amazing coaches reminded me of the very deliberate and intentional routines I engaged in for years. Influenced by experiences in 12 step programs, I began running daily when I met Alex who pointed out how important physical activity was to my sobriety. I was fortunate to be mentored by a broad sample of men like Alex from the recovery community who taught me the power of prayer, meditation, journaling, affirmations and exercise.
Like Marty and Hans, I found that there were things I could do to improve confidence, increase energy, and tap into creativity. As long as I stuck to my routines, I had a fighting chance of managing the internal ache.
One of the things I have in common with both Marty and Hans is the 12-step experience and orientation. Until about five years ago, I participated in a variety of 12-step programs that enabled me to live a clean and sober life and begin to heal my past.
During the podcast episode, I realized that for me, a good definition of confidence is a state of being brought about by humble self-trust and self-awareness.
Humility
I once heard humility defined as knowing who you are. I know myself as whole, perfect, and complete. When I think of myself as less than whole, perfect, and complete, I lose my humility. Parts of me react to the erroneous belief that there is something wrong with me and provide a buffer of protection against judgment and rejection by performing for approval. This is the ultimate loss of humility. Restoring my sense of true self returns me to a state of humility.
Self-trust
When I know myself as whole, perfect, and complete, I trust myself. The moment I doubt that and begin to believe there is something wrong with me, I stop trusting myself. The only way to trust myself is to know myself as I truly am. Does this sound like conceit? It’s not. I see everyone as whole, perfect, and complete; worthy of love. But for years I didn’t see myself that way and, of course, I didn’t see others that way either. I saw us all as flawed and broken. We were not to be trusted.
I am not my body. I am not my thoughts, emotions, impulses, or actions. But when I first began to see myself as flawed, I felt the painful emotion of shame: fear. I felt the fear of being seen and being humiliated. When the parts of me that are still convinced that I am flawed take over, I automatically perform, hide, and defend. What others think of me is in jeopardy and I fear they will see what I’ve been trying to hide: that I am not worthy of love or inclusion. In this state, I absolutely do NOT trust myself. I have no confidence, only fear.
Self-awareness
To know myself I must be aware of myself. Most of my life, I focused my attention outwardly. I worked hard to earn the love, approval, and appreciation of others. When I began learning how to shift my attention inwardly, everything began to change.
That’s because focusing inside is the only way to access the truth about me. What others think about me, good or bad, is not the truth. But seeking their approval is imperative if I don’t have my own.
A two-fold path to confidence
Self-care routines calm my parts. They calm the inner turmoil and bring inner peace. Long term and lasting confidence is now my default as I continue to focus inwardly with awareness and humility.
Like Hans and Marty, I am on a two-fold path that produces consistent and reliable levels of authentic confidence.
Practice self-care to manage and soothe what has not been healed.
Increase self-awareness and practice self-compassion to heal the past and find power in the present moment.
