Image by John Hain from Pixabay 

Many otherwise highly functioning men and women experience some level of insecurity in their love relationships.  Most of us know at some level that there is no current reason to feel insecure and yet we feel insecure.

What is the cause of this insecurity?

Children feel secure when they know that their caretakers are present and capable of meeting their needs.  But when caretakers are absent or inconsistent in providing care, a child feels fear (insecurity) until they are reassured and feel safe.

If that reassurance is delayed or fails to be provided, the child gets in the habit of feeling insecure.

In a safe, secure, and stable environment the energy of an emotion (fear in this case) freely moves through the body until fully expressed and released.  But if it isn’t safe to feel that emotion or if the emotional need isn’t met, the movement of that emotional energy must be blocked.  Feeling this discomfort without relief becomes unbearable.

Energy cannot be destroyed.  It can only be transferred or stored.  To store energy, an equal amount of energy is required.  To block the energy of an emotion, an equal amount of energy must be used, creating a perpetual expenditure of these two energetic expressions.  In other words, energy that would otherwise be available to live freely is committed to managing the unresolved emotion.  An unresolved emotion is an unhealed wound.

Managing unhealed wounds from childhood or from traumatic events we experience as adults means doing all that we can to avoid feeling the pain of them again.  But strategies for avoiding this pain limit what is possible in life.

What is the impact of having this insecurity?

If you experience insecurity in your love relationships, you are probably familiar with some, if not most of the following strategies for managing your insecurity as well as some of the negative consequences of those strategies.

  • You check your partners phone or are suspicious about who they are communicating with.
  • You watch for evidence that they are cheating.
  • You check their browsing history.
  • You read into what your partner says and react to what you think they mean rather than what they actually say.
  • You find proof in what they do and say that they don’t love you or are about you.
  • You feel jealous of the attention they give others including their children, their family of origin, and their friends.
  • You try to control them either overtly, covertly, or both.
  • You are uncomfortable with their opposite sex friendships.
  • You think you know what they are thinking and react to them accordingly.
  • You feel needy and ashamed of your neediness.
  • You want to change your insecure feelings and behaviors but are unable to do so.
  • They pull away from you.
  • They resist your efforts to control them.

What is the solution?

I have been a life coach since 2011.  I’ve always helped my clients by offering them what I found that helped me.  Like many of my clients, I emerged from childhood with a full deck of unhealed wounds.  What seemed like a normal life had become a cycle of reactions to triggering events.  I didn’t know life could be any other way for me.  Happy lives were either a myth or only for a fortunate few.

When I was in my forties, I was introduced to The Work of Byron Katie (  By using her method of self inquiry, I began to heal and recover a sense of my True Self.

Then, about five years ago, my therapist introduced me to Internal Family Systems (  In 2020 I completed two levels of IFS training and am now an IFS Practitioner.

IFS Practitioners help their clients restore internal balance and wholeness.  IFS is a therapy model that recognizes a central Self in each of us capable of providing leadership to our internal worlds.  Each of us have parts of us that have conflicting missions.  In the case of an unhealed wound such as insecurity, there is a part that is holding the energy of the painful emotion that was never allowed to be released.  And there are other parts whose mission it is to make sure that the pain is never felt or released.

Using the IFS therapy model as I have been trained by the IFS Institute to do, I help my clients to resolve this polarity, heal the wound, and restore balance and wholeness.  This enables my clients to reclaim the energy of managing the unhealed wound and using it to be more fully self-expressed.

The list of strategies in this article come from personal experience.  When I was 30 years old, I was in therapy to try to get over my insecurity.  The therapy model that helped me was called Bio-Energetics which is a body-based therapy designed to release the energy of locked up emotional wounds.  It worked.  So, I know that healing is possible.  After a few months of beating pillows, twisting towels, and throwing tantrums, my insecurity disappeared, never to return.  That was 35 years ago.

IFS is also body based.  My clients don’t throw tantrums and beat pillows.  But I help them to find those parts of themselves that influence the feelings and behavior of insecurity and other emotional wounds.  IFS has helped me in other areas of my life just as Bio-Energetics and The Work of Byron Katie helped me.

These tools work for healing and permanent transformation.  They work for those who do the work of healing.

It is my pleasure and joy to offer a complimentary, one-hour coaching session to anyone interested in this healing path.  To schedule your free session, go to