In the Self-Led Project, there are 27 exercises that are completed is group coaching sessions. There are also several “bonus” exercises that participants can complete between sessions if they wish to.
Fit or Misfit is one of those exercises. If you would like to do this exercise, you may find it helpful to watch this video and listen in on the conversation with Walt, Lori, Bill, and Kathleen.
The purpose of this exercise is to help you realize what your parts decided was true about your value,
your safety, and your potential to thrive. Going through this exercise will begin to update your internal
operating system (your internal family of parts).
This exercise will help you understand some of the reasons your parts took on extreme roles to protect
Fitting in means survival and safety. The messages we received and perceived related to the actions of
our caretakers, authority figures, culture, and society helped form the beliefs we hold about our safety
and our potential to thrive. You could think of these messages and experiences as programming for your
internal operating system.
Beliefs form the lens through which we view our lives. Once a thought or concept is accepted as the
truth, it becomes a belief and unconsciously determines our perception.
Although our life circumstances have changed since we were children, our beliefs may not reflect those
changes. This creates a dissonance between reality and how we perceive it. This disconnect is the source
of much of the dysfunction and suffering that we experience. Fortunately, by learning to update your
internal operating system, this incoherence can be remedied.
Answer the following questions.
1. When you were growing up, in what ways did you fit (in your family, in the community, in the
classroom, with peers, in social situations, in the world)?
2. When you were growing up, in what ways did you not fit?
3. Explore the messages you received and/or perceived about your value and the value of others.
Consider the following:
• Social class
• Sexual orientation
• Religious beliefs
Your answers reflect how you perceived yourself as included or excluded, as someone who fit or not, as
someone who was valued or someone who was a burden. The experiences and the messages you
derived from those experiences determined many of the roles and strategies of your parts.
Reflect: How accurate were those perceptions? And based on your current circumstances, how much
evidence is there that the beliefs and assumptions formed from those perceptions are true and