Personal Development Articles
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha
In any of my writing, I don’t need to be right. Please don’t believe anything I say or write without first checking with yourself to see if it resonates as true. Even then, it may not be true. When I hear or read something that get’s my attention and seems true, I use my own life to test the new theory. If it works in my life, I’m an evangelist for letting everyone else know about what is working for me. These life hack articles reflect that reality. If what I’ve written here resonates, try it on in your own life. If not, please, let it go. In any case, trust yourself.
“I’m not here to be right, I’m here to get it right.” Brene Brown
“Don’t believe a word I write.” Bill Tierney
Noticing Parts
In the Self-Led Project, there are 27 exercises that are completed is group coaching sessions. There are also several “bonus” exercises that participants can complete between sessions if they wish to. Noticing Parts is one of those exercises. The IFS model (Internal...
The Activation Log, A Self-Led Project Exercise
There are 27 exercises in the Self-Led Project 9-month group coaching program. Participants work together in group sessions to complete these exercises. In addition, there are several bonus exercises that some participants work on outside of sessions. The Activation...
Five Principles That Can Transform Your Life
Discovery of these five principles was facilitated by my own personal transformation, most recently supported over the past 6 years by the Internal Family Systems mode. Follow along with me, Alision, Kathleen, Lori, and Walt as we discuss these five principles and the...
A Life Beyond Suffering
Beyond the automatic and involuntary life that might be thought of as suffering lies the possibility of a fulfilling and purposeful life. If the life you have is, as mine was, defined by the next bad thing that is going to happen, this statement may seem ridiculous....
Fit or Misfit
In the Self-Led Project, there are 27 exercises that are completed is group coaching sessions. There are also several "bonus" exercises that participants can complete between sessions if they wish to. Fit or Misfit is one of those exercises. If you would like to do...
Freedom From Suffering
Photo by Pixabay: https://www.pexels.comWe suffer. Buddhists refer to this as Samsara. The first noble truth of Buddhism is, "Life is suffering." What your suffering looks and feels like is unique to you. But you are a human being and like many of us who eventually...
The Personal Development Journey
Photo by asim alnamatPersonal development doesn’t happen in a single therapy or coaching session, weekend retreat, or self-help book. Personal development is a journey- not an event. What does it mean to be on the journey of personal development? For some it...
I’m Just Curious
Photo by Pixabay: https://www.pexels.com/I’m just curious… Imagine we are in a conversation and I start a sentence in this way. How do you imagine you might react? Would you really believe that I am curious? Or would you brace yourself for criticism or some other...
From Out of Control to Empowered
Photo by PixabayTo live an empowered life, you must understand how and why you perceive, believe, think, feel, and behave as you do. How often are you surprised by your own reactions to an event in your life? Something happens. You feel a sudden surge of emotion and...
Repairing Breakdowns in Relationships
I’ve been married 3 times. In my first two marriages I experienced a lot of pain, misunderstanding, resentment, and arguments. The relationships didn’t work. I also struggled to connect with my kids through the years. I wasn’t a great father to them. On my personal...
The IFS Difference in Coaching
Photo by DS storiesIn my article, “Coaching or Therapy,” I drew some clear distinctions between these two ways to be supported. I was inspired to write that article because I had recently revisited the question, “What is the difference between coaching and therapy? In...
Coaching or Therapy?
Photo by cottonbro from Pexels When I began training in the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model, I had been a life coach for over 6 years. I had a schtick that was focused on structure, strategies, and accountability. And it worked well for most of my clients. But...
Joe’s Foundations
Photo by Rodolfo Quirós at Pexels.comSometimes it's easy to lose sight of what is really important when faced with challenges and problems. When you've just had a fight with your partner, it's hard to think about what you loved about them when you decided to become...
Return to the Route
Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko from PexelsTrusting Your Internal Guidance SystemThere was a time, before GPS, smart phones, and the internet, when navigation required prudent planning, a good map, and a passenger capable of reading the map and giving timely directions....
This Automatic Life
Photo by Min An:As children, when painful or scary things happened, we needed to understand why. If a reasonable explanation wasn’t provided, we made one up. Understanding why a painful thing happened can help us avoid or prevent it from happening again. It is common...
What Does it Mean to Unburden a Part?
Photo by Oleksandr PidvalnyiThis article may not make much sense to you if you aren't already familiar with the Internal Family Systems model (IFS). If that is the case, go to IFS-Institute.com to learn more about this amazing modality that has such far ranging...
What is the Self-Led Project?
The Self-Led Project is a group coaching program that uses the IFS model to help participants develop Self-Leadership. The program uses exercises inspired by my personal experience over the past 20 years as well as my experience with the IFS model since 2016.. Thanks...
How Married are the Values in your Marriage?
Photo by Ave Calvar Martinez If you are in a committed and non-abusive relationship and would like to feel more connected to your partner, the following exercise may be for you. As a relationship develops, each party to that relationship contributes and responds to...
How Much Do You Trust Yourself?
Photo by SHVETS productionIn my work, I meet a diverse group of people with a broad range of capacity and effectiveness. At first, I was surprised to find that even highly effective executives and business owners often struggle with self-doubt and insecurity. I guess...
Trust and Safety in Coaching
Coaching doesn’t work without a high level of trust between the client and coach. In my years as a coach, I have been the least effective when I have failed to earn the trust of the client or have lost that trust in some way. The opposite is also true. When there is a...
Wherever I Go, There’s My Past
You’ve probably noticed that, despite bumper sticker wisdom, it’s not so easy to leave the past in the past. That’s why there are so many people seeking answers from… 12 Step programs Therapy Self-help books Retreats, workshops, webinars, and seminars …and so much...
What is Recovery?
I’ve been coaching individuals and groups since 2011. Prior to becoming a personal development coach, I considered myself a recovered alcoholic. I don’t see it that way anymore. I still don’t drink. But I’m no longer comfortable with labels like alcoholism. I...
Conscious and Unconscious Personal Development
Photo by Luis Quintero from PexelsPersonal development happens - either consciously or unconsciously. The unconscious life is characterized by reactions to a life unchosen. The conscious life requires some work but provides access to personal power and choice....
Is this all there is?
Photo by The Lazy Artist Gallery from PexelsI’m going to tell you a short story about the events of my life that answered this question. You may or may not be able to relate to my story, but I want you to know, no matter the conditions of your life, no matter how you...
The Personal Development Continuum
The personal development continuum begins at birth as we become acclimated to our bodies and our environment and continues until the day we die. We can embrace the personal development journey consciously and voluntarily, or we can resist it, insisting that reality...
The Self-Led Life
Photo by Brett Sayles from PexelsHuman beings manage their concerns and fears unconsciously. By bringing those fears and management strategies to the surface, we have an opportunity to consciously change how we unconsciously view and react to the circumstances of our...
The 100 Pound Backpack
Photo by Mark Gleeson from PexelsLiving with unhealed emotional wounds is like running a marathon without knowing you’re strapped to a hundred-pound backpack. I didn’t know I was handicapped by my unhealed past. I really believed that because I had survived it, there...
Breaking Harmful Habits
Photo by cottonbro from Pexels Habits. What they all have in common is that once they are formed, the execution of them is no longer a function of the conscious mind. They require little or no will or effort. Charles Duhigg wrote about them in his book,The Power of...
Self Management or Self Discovery?
Photo by Grafixart_photo Samir BELHAMRA from Pexels Most of us are unaware that we live unconsciously. We think, feel, and behave automatically. It makes sense that we don’t know we are living unconscious and automatic lives. We are usually unaware of what is...
What do you Expect
Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya from Pexels This article may help you understand why your life unfolds in predictable patterns, despite your intention to have things go differently. At the end of the article, you will be offered a free tool that can help you begin to break...
Getting Your Power and Choice Back
Photo by Gratisography/pexels There are people in the world who are being victimized. They have no choice. They have no freedom, and they have no power. If I asked you if you were a victim, you may so no. There is a stigma of shame that can be associated with being...
Why Trusting Yourself is so Important and Why it is so Hard to Do
Photo by Lucas Pezeta from Pexels I tell my life coaching clients I believe they are the most qualified experts when it comes to how to live their lives. It’s tempting to believe that there are others who may have better ideas about how to live a good life, but...
Updating Your Internal Operating System
Photo by Kirill Lazarev from Pexels Prior to learning about IFS, I expected myself to be clear, decisive, certain, and single minded. Of course, there were times when I was confused, unable to make decisions or stick to them, unsure, and conflicted. The contrast...
Reclaiming Power and Choice
Photo by Avery Nielsen-Webb from Pexels “When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves.” Viktor Frankl If you had the power to change your life, would you? Whether you have power or not isn’t as important as whether...
Active Grief
Photo by Johannes Plenio from Pexels With loss comes grief. If you have experienced a loss, have you experienced active grief or have you experienced passive grief? When something changes or ends, or when something happens that scares you or hurts you, there can be a...
Hijacked by a Part of Me
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” ― Maya Angelou It was very pleasant this morning on our back patio. I was enjoying “You are the one you have been waiting for” by Richard Schwartz. Prior to getting my cup of...
What makes a good relationship good?
Just for fun imagine that, after getting to know your partner well enough to recognize that you were interested in them, they told you they wanted to talk. Let’s create a couple for this imagination. Meet Pat and Taylor. Feel free to assign gender roles as you wish. A...
Give Them a Day Pass
Photo by Suzy Hazelwood from Pexels There are people in my life who I put in jail. At some point in my life, our paths crossed, and I got hurt. I blamed them for my pain and locked them away for life so they could never hurt me again. Many of the people I locked away...
Bill Tierney, Certified IFS Practitioner and Personal Development Coach
My purpose as a personal development coach and Certified IFS Practitioner is to help others awaken to their true nature. I believe that who we are and who have always been becomes concealed behind layers of false beliefs and trapped feelings. We draw erroneous...
A client’s struggle with codependency
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels I am often inspired and educated by my coaching clients whose life experiences model what does and doesn’t work in life. As fellow humans, my clients struggle with many of the same issues I too have struggled with. In my own...
Not Broken
Photo by Ikowh Babayev from Pexels We're not really broken. I know it can feel that way. It can feel hopeless. But it's not. You can break the cycle. Doing so may be the most important thing you ever do in your life. I came from a long line of generational addiction,...
Making Clear Choices
There are times when making decisions or commitments is easy. Making hard decisions often comes down to the “lesser of two evils,” a coin toss, or simply forcing ourselves to do what feels like the right thing to do. How do you make hard decisions or solve dilemmas?...
Healthy Skepticism
Image by PicsbyFran from Pixabay My family had moved again, this time to Great Falls, Montana. When I learned we were moving, I felt both fear and relief. The previous year had been traumatizing and I was happy that we were moving. But Montana? I had never even seen a...
Texting Trigger
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels When I woke up Friday morning I checked my phone and noticed a preview of a text which included the words, “you are lying to me.” I assumed someone must have been drunk texting the wrong number. “This should be fun,” I thought....
Fixing the Unfixable
Photo by Thiago Matos from Pexels Many who grew up in scary and unsafe homes believe they are broken and unfixable. Here’s what I believe. You, me, and everyone else were born as perfect, whole, and complete human beings. But some of us were born into lives that had...
The ACA Laundry List, Trait One
Photo by Amine M'Siouri from Pexels About 40 years after Alcoholics Anonymous was founded, a new recovery program was created. Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA or ACoA) was created to provide support for members of the Alateen program....
What I Thought I Knew
I had been a mortgage loan officer for 15 years. I had survived the financial crisis and mortgage meltdown of 2008-2009 and emerged more determined, more focused, more educated, and more careful. At my lowest point, I knew it was either time to find another career or...
I Only Do What I Want
When I tell my clients that I only do what I want, I get mixed reactions. “That must be nice,” is probably the most common reaction. My favorite response is, “B.S.!” In a life of “have to-s” and “shoulds” it seems impossible that I might do only those things that I...
Press On or Time for a Break?
Photo by Kat Jayne from Pexels Over the years, I’ve read or heard a sentiment expressed that if the conditions of your life are challenging, learn to love them before making any changes. Or something to that effect. There is some merit to this idea. If I just cut and...
Louise’s Journey to Personal Empowerment
Photo by Brenadette Grindle Faust from Pexels Louise, a coaching client, was in a state of confusion. She had thoughts and feelings that seemed to be in opposition with each other. As I listened, she explained the circumstances surrounding her confusion. Louise told...
Breaking the Insecurity Pattern
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels Bob started a book group and Nancy agreed to participate. They met every Monday night with four others to discuss the book. Concerned that his opinions may sour the other members of the book group, Bob usually kept quiet and kept...
Healthy Communication
Image by John Hain from Pixabay Developing healthy relationships can be challenging. What if you had a technique to follow that would help you create a healthy relationship with anyone who is capable of and interested in having a healthy relationship with you?...
Your Automatic Life
Photo by Alex Knight from Pexels The conscious brain occupies 17 percent of total brain mass (about one-sixth of the brain’s weight), yet controls only 2 to 4 percent of actual perceptions or behavior. The nonconscious brain occupies 83 percent (about five-sixths) of...
Approval. The Consolation Prize
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels I heard Byron Katie say that if she had a prayer, it would be, “God save me from the pursuit of love, approval and appreciation.” That got my attention. She went on to say that the effort we put into getting love, approval, or...
Turning Breakdowns into Breakthroughs
Photo by Gustavo Fring from Pexels Yup. I’m going to do that. I will have it done by next week. Next week comes around and it’s not done. I just had a breakdown in my commitment. Ok, I’ll double down. I’ll have it done by tomorrow. Tomorrow comes around and its done!...
Can’t Decide?
Photo by Victoria Borodinova from Pexels You need to make a decision. Opportunity will pass you by. The deadline is lurking. The pressure is on. But you can't decide! Why not? Instead of teaching you one more strategy to get yourself to do what you can't do,...
Recovering True Self
Photo by James Sutton from Pexels Who do you think you are? When I first heard that question, it didn’t really land as an invitation to consider life’s deeper mysteries. It felt a lot more like a challenge or a threat. Apparently, I thought I was someone who could...
Adult Child Shame
If you have shame, you may easily find yourself on this list.
When you look in the mirror, you don’t like what you see.
You expect people to dislike you.
You feel like a fraud.
You are suspicious of those who act friendly toward you.
You give up on yourself. What’s the use?
You feel insecure, especially in romantic relationships.
You often feel shamed by others.
You are suspicious of those who think highly of you.
To get what you want or need, you are passive and indirect, or
You aggressively take what you want, believing it is the only way.
Overcoming Insecurity
Image by John Hain from Pixabay Many otherwise highly functioning men and women experience some level of insecurity in their love relationships. Most of us know at some level that there is no current reason to feel insecure and yet we feel insecure. This can be...
Fear of Rejection, Abandonment, Conflict, or Criticism
We are able to feel fear because fear can help us quickly and efficiently act to avoid harm or death when there is a real threat to our safety. But living with fear of rejection, abandonment, conflict, or criticism does just the opposite. This kind of chronic,...
You’re Not Alone
You were raised in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family You are attracted to dysfunctional partners You are recovering from addiction for at least 3 months You feel like a fraud You are afraid to just be yourself You are insecure in your love relationships You’re...
The Core Belief Log
The Core Belief Log One of the tools I use with my clients is called the Core Belief Log. When, during our coaching a belief is uncovered, I ask my clients to record the belief in the Core Belief Log. Noticing our beliefs and logging them is important because......
Breaking the Pattern
In any relationship there are times to talk and times not to. If you are mentally present and open, it may be time to talk. If you are distracted or triggered its not. How do you know if you are mentally present? Your mind is on what is happening now. What is being...
The Perfect Storm
Uncertainty Institutional Mistrust Misinformation Loneliness Change Insecurity Intimacy Issues Job and Income loss If you're scared, that makes sense. Will you respond to your fear with hatred and blame? Or with love and compassion? Our automatic lives are no longer...
Is Addiction Recovery Possible?
Most of us know someone who is struggling with addiction issues. How to recover from an addiction is not an exact science. There are countless approaches, most with some success. There is an entire addiction recovery industry that exists to address the issue. Why...
Climb the Ladder to Personal Empowerment
I created a tool that was inspired by Esther and Jerry Hicks in their book, Ask and it is Given, The Teachings of Abraham. I named the tool Climb the Ladder because by using it, I and my clients are able to use it to quickly climb to an empowered state before taking...
Are you Coping or are you Curious?
What do you endure in your life? What do you tolerate? What do you survive? Your daughters drill team performance that goes on for hours. Your son’s attitude toward you. Your job, business or career that pays the bills but drains your lust for life. A relationship...
The Internal Guidance System
I’m certainly not the first person to think of feelings as an internal guidance system. When I was first introduced to the idea, it thrilled me to consider that I could trust myself. I loved the thought that I had an internal mechanism to guide me and wanted to...
Survival or Growth Mindset?
Life’s challenges can provide plenty of opportunity for growth or they can overwhelm us. If you have a growth mindset, challenges provide new opportunities to change and grow. Challenges can inspire innovation and courageous risk taking. Challenging circumstances...
The Source and Meaning of Emotional Pain
What causes emotional pain? A belief system is a system of thoughts that we have decided are true. For the most part, our beliefs are hidden from us. When we are introduced to a concept or idea, we compare that concept or idea to embedded and accepted thoughts...
What are Your Parts Telling You?
After completing a one-year coach training program, my confidence was at an all-time low and I seriously considered quitting my Life Coaching career. A part of me was convinced that I was a fool to think I could be a successful life coach. In 2011, while working as a...
Fear, Resistance, and Action
Fear. What do you do when you are feeling it? Does it stop you? Do you work around it? Does it limit you? Do you push your way past it? In the coaching world, one of our jobs as coaches is to help our clients accomplish that which they haven’t been able to...
Hope and Expectation
What do you expect your life to look like in a year? What do you hope your life will be like in a year? What we expect is based on what is happening now and what has happened in the past. For many of us, what is happening now is a version of what has happened in the...
I’m not trying hard enough
What are you trying hard to do? Today is day 25 of my 30 day thought diet. I was inspired to make this commitment after waking up at 5 AM in Kauai 25 days ago with anxiety and no present justification for it. I got out of bed and began listing all of my thoughts,...
What do you want? Make a list.
I’m not proud of this. But I used to complain about my life. A lot. I’ve often wondered why I complained so much. Eventually, I realized that complaining is a leftover from my childhood when I was entirely and naturally dependent. You can read more about that in...
Seven Things I have Learned About Anxiety
About 25 years ago, I stepped away from the living of my life far enough to make a profound observation. I saw that my life consisted of a series of reactions to the circumstances in my life. Further, I realized that I was reacting to my interpretations of those...
What to do When it’s Hard to Decide
As a coach, when a client comes to me with a problem, I am tempted to try to resolve the problem for them. But this is rarely helpful. Solving the problem for a client is like feeding a man a fish. My clients think they want me to solve their problems. But what they...
Testimonial from Carly Cloer
I was hitting my head against a wall. I knew I was getting in my own way but I didn’t know how to change it. I knew I was meant to work on my own and not answer to anyone. I knew that my life’s calling was not what I was doing. I was constantly trying to fit a round...
How can I help?
People ask me to help them when they recognize that how they show up in life automatically gets in the way of having the life that they want. Sometimes they don't even know what they want in life. They just know they aren't satisfied with the life they have now....
The Yes and No of Yes
When you say yes, what are you saying yes to? When you say yes, what are you saying no to? You may be asked to give your money, effort, attention or time. Money You may be asked to give your money. Each time you spend money, you are saying yes to what you are...
Doctor Harry’s Success Story
Harry (not his real name) is a doctor who was referred to me by his employer who also offered to pay for his coaching. But when his children’s mother decided to move to another state, he quit his job and followed them there to be in their lives. This created a...
Why ask someone how they are?
How are you? It’s a greeting more than a question. But it’s still a question. Both the question and the answer are usually automatic. Want to create an awkward moment? Answer How ya doin? with a real answer. What’s your automatic answer to How are you? Fine. Good....
5 Rs to Remember When Giving Feedback
When it comes to giving feedback, you probably fall into one of three categories: You have a lot of great advice for others but nobody seems interested in it. The thought of offering feedback is so terrifying that you might just fall to your death before asking...
The G.I.F.T. of Feedback
Giving feedback can feel vulnerable. It takes courage to offer feedback. Receiving feedback can also feel vulnerable. If, when you are receiving feedback you feel threatened, you may be more concerned with surviving the feedback than with hearing exactly what is being...
What’s In It For Your Client
What is the value of a reliable and loyal referral source? When receiving a warm referral, you have an overwhelming advantage over the competition. Unless a business already has a sufficient demand for their services, it is crucial to develop relationships with others...
8 Practices to Get More Referrals
Think about why you would give a referral to someone. Let’s face it. Giving a referral to a product or service provider puts your reputation on the line. So, unless you have had a great experience with the product, the service or the provider, you’re not likely to...
The Wack-A-Mole Life
Life can often feel like the arcade game, Whack-a-Mole. A problem shows up, we whack it and then wait for the next one to show up so we can whack it before the next one shows up so we can… whack it! This is a game that cannot be won. But it’s the game most of us play...
What are you settling for?
For most of us, there is a big gap between what we really want in life and what we are settling for. Why do we do this? What kind of breakthrough would help you begin living the life that you really want? Think of thoughts as the tip of the iceberg - the part that you...
How to Give and Receive 5-Star Referrals
The decision to refer usually happens in a moment. The decision to not refer happens just as quickly. But there is an internal process that usually goes undetected leading up to that moment. Why do you refer? Think about the last time you gave a referral. Why did you...
6 Steps to Get Past the Voice in Your Head
The appointment was set for 9:00 AM. First impressions are important. This was to be our first connection. I called the number the prospect provided but it was the wrong number. I was prepared for this call. I allowed plenty of time. Had the phone number in front of...
Is Fear Keeping You From Making a Change?
I spoke with a client last week whose current employer had made it difficult for her to stay. She had been working under increasing pressure to perform under impossible circumstances. Her well-being and family life had suffered and she was on her way to a major...
Get Off the Emotional Roller Coaster
I was inspired to write this article by an experience which lead to gaining a new and different perspective. Once a week, I facilitate The Work of Byron Katie for 90 minutes. This is a free coaching group for anyone who wants to participate. During this week’s...
Acting The Part
This morning, I was inspired with an idea and asked my wife, Kathy to help me. I asked her if she could think of a time when I was upset. She reminded me of trying to get technical help over the phone from someone in India. That reminded me of something that happened...
5 Steps To Improve Self-Esteem and Increase Confidence
Do you ever feel like you’re not good enough? We’ve all been there at one point or another. Throughout life, your sense of self-worth or self-esteem shapes who you become. Believing you’re not good enough impacts your behaviors and decisions. If you had the...
How to Get Unstuck
I felt stuck. I was miserable. Nothing was going right and I didn't have hope that it ever would. My best-laid plans fail to achieve the desired results. If it turns out there is a hell, I think it will look a lot like the life I was living about 20 years ago....
How to Attract What you Want
You’ve probably heard of the Law of Attraction before. It’s the idea that you attract into your life what you are focused on. If you are focused on success, you will be successful. Do you want to lose weight? Then focus on having a lighter body. By focusing on being...
6 Questions to Improve Your Efficiency
Most of us have a list a mile long of things we feel like we HAVE to get done. You probably have tasks in different buckets; housework, business work, family work, extracurricular work, volunteer work, and the list goes on. Do you ever feel like your task list is...
How to Break the Complaint Habit
We all know those people who we sometimes dread talking to because all they do is complain. Maybe you are one of those people and don't even realize it. Complaining about things - whether it be life, another person, politics - whatever it is, may seem self-serving....
The Wisdom of The Body
Do you have persistent internal thoughts and questions running through your head at any given time? These thoughts could be about a person, a situation, a stress, a fear, a hope, or any number of things. The thoughts we have create feelings such as the nagging fear...
Get Present to Get Results
Have you ever taken a moment to think about how much the past and future affect the present when it comes to your thoughts, actions, and how you engage in life? Humans largely use their past experiences as an educational tool to take with them into the future. Perhaps...
